Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Assholes and Sons of Bitches

I haven't used those terms for quite some time now. But the words resurfaced in my vocabulary when a friend came sobbing to me over a current heartbreak. To make the long story short, the guy was/is an asshole. Although, it has been my belief that everyone is inherently good so I tried to understand where the asshole guy was coming from. Why did he treat my friend as callous as he did? What was his motivation? Did he had a traumatic past which enabled him to treat women that way? All these questions came rushing through my mind as I held my friend's electronic hand and let her cry on my ear (it was a mobile phone call). I felt her pain and her hurt since I've had my own share of assholes and sons of bitches. It's easy for me to tell her that things will be alright but I've been in her place and I know right now, her world is crumbling and she would not know how to go on. She visited me today and my heart bled when I saw her sad face and the shattered heart she shields. I was at a loss since I did not know what to tell her. I just let her talk and spoke only when she asked advice from me.

The sun is still shining and the world will go on turning. I know she is made of sterner stuff and I know she will survive this. It just pains me to know that a friend is suffering right now because of another person. I know she has to go through this in order to learn and to be a better person. The best thing I can do right now is to be a good friend.

Da Vinci's Angels and Demons

Rico recommended to me The Da Vinci Code which I finished within a week and Angels and Demons which I finished today. I could not put both books down reinforcing my love for the suspense genre. Moreover when the setting and characters involved are those which are dear to my heart: Rome and the Catholic religion--with a "nerd" as the main protagonist. I had to speed read since I wanted to know how everything ended up without reading the ending. It was very interesting, I tell you. Especially the way Dan Brown kept me guessing on who the head contrabida is.

I've always been fascinated with Rome and the Vatican due to its numerous Catholic churches. I mentioned beforehand how I happen to love churches--the older the better. If/whenever I do get married, I want the ceremony to be held at an old church. Not the oldest church, but an old church. Complete with old stone walls and a majestic altar. That would really be grand, wouldn't it?

I stayed home today due to my still aching back. It gave me the chance to catch up on my notes and to review for my upcoming last quiz for management science on Thursday. It's my last chance to redeem myself and for me to get at least a decent final grade. I really can't wait for this term to be over. Remind me NOT to get two math subjects in one term. I overestimated myself and my capacity to understand mathematical figures and equations. I just proved that abstract thinking is not one of my greatest strengths. The only reason why I passed Statistics with flying colours last term was that I had great groupmates and they were kind enough to answer my inane questions. Not to mention I had few commitments then. Now with all these things on my plate, juggling everything was something which I did not plan at all.

Monday, March 29, 2004

Muscle Spasm

When one grows old, one can't help but notice the pains and aches that the body seem to accumulate overnight. This morning, my back pain got worse. According to popular opinion, it's a bad case of muscle spasm. The doctor at our clinic just wanted to observe it and gave me pain killers. My officemates were more worried since it could be worse, moreover when I experienced a sudden numbness on my lower extremities. One guessed that it could be a slipped disc while another said that it could be a pinched nerve. I didn't care. All I wanted was to lie down and stay in that position.

I could go on and on regarding the aches I'm experiencing lately but it would be useless and futile exercise. Let's focus on other things.

Like our (Leo and I) first month as a couple. First time ever that I celebrated a "monthsary" (is there any other word other than that? It sounds so awkward). Leo sent me two dozen roses (peach! My favorite!) at work causing an uproar which echoed through the whole floor and brought visitors to my workstation. I had my picture taken with the really nice bouquet. We had dinner yesterday at a really swanky place where the food prices made me blanch. I forced myself to finish the food that I ordered to avoid wastage (at hindi manghinayang sa presyo). The bread which they endlessly served with unsalted butter was really good though.

I just proved that one can't have everything. I mentioned previously that I'm having difficulty juggling all my commitments and activities. One ball is on the verge of falling on the floor and I'm trying my damn best to save it from breaking open
and exploding in my face. I just got my 2nd quiz from my management science subject and it was very dismal. At least I have two more weeks of this and it's a 2 month rest for me and Leo. We'll have more time to devote to each other. Yay! I'm pondering on taking just 3 units next term to help me cope with the increasing demand at work as well my gym time. Come to think of it, if this back pain proves to be something bad, I have to quit my gym.

It's a very exciting summer ahead. Hopefully all our plans will push through.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Provincial Wedding

Travelled 5 hours (back and forth) to Nueva Ecija to attend a wedding of a friend from SFC. If she wasn't a really good friend, I would not have made the effort. Morever, when I learned a few minutes BEFORE THE WEDDING CEREMONY that I was going to sing in the mass and that there was no keyboardist. I had to do everything a capella and by memory. I wanted to rant at the organizer and my friend for not giving me due notice, but I just held onto my irritation and did as they asked. I wish I had ample time to prepare because I was not satisfied by my performance. I just held onto the thought that 95% of the guests do not know me at all.

Provincial weddings are very different from urban weddings. There's the food for one. By my estimates, the family of the groom slaughtered a dozen chickens, a couple of pigs and probably one baka (forgot the english for the animal where beef comes from. Is it too early in the morning?). Unfortunately, due to the quantity of the food, quality (taste) was sacrificed. There were so many different viands, yet they ALL taste the same. It would induce queasiness for the weak in stomach. Moreover, if your stomach is not used to it, their water could make you sick. When I saw where they got the water, I almost got sick. Fortunately, my tummy (except for being at times, lactose-intolerant) is made of sterner stuff.

There were so many things I complained and could have complained about, but just seeing my friend so happy makes those reasons unimportant and irrelevant. Her life is something which can be made into a movie and seeing her with people who loves her once again reinforced my beliefs on the power of love and God.

Throughout the whole event, I could not help but think how my own wedding would be like (that is, if ever I'm going to get wed). I have a rough list of everything, but one thing that's really important to me (other than the groom) is the wedding ceremony. I don't care much about the reception, it's the ceremony which has to be special and I've been thinking of ways how to make it special.

Anyway, I'll give it more thought when I get to the bridge. All I know is that we're still enjoying the journey, but we know that there will be a bridge somewhere at the end of this road. When and where we reach it, that remains to be seen.


Summer is definitely here. Not only is the sweltering heat an indication, but the proliferation and popularity of halo-halo and ice-cream. During our travel yesterday, we were craving for halo-halo or anything that would ease the heat. It did not help that I was dressed in semi-formal attire. That does not stop me from looking forward to the different road trips that we have planned this summer. There's the Pagudpod trip with my family, the Puerto Galera trip with my friends, and the Tagaytay trip with my other friends.

I'm looking forward to these trips because my boyfriend will be joining us (hopefully for the Pagudpod trip as well. He's still hedging about it and I'm trying my nagging best to get him to go). I'm anticipating the time when I can show him the historical and beautiful places here. For a Filipino, he has seen more of the places outside the country than inside. He's been to Hongkong, Europe and the US, yet he hasn't been to Puerto Galera. I found that very sad, that's why I'm going to do my damn best to show him what he has been missing.

One thing that I would really like to do is go on a church hopping trip. I love churches. The older they are the better. There's something majestic and magnificent in seeing an old church. I love to touch the old walls for it makes me feel like I'm going back in time. That those walls were somehow a testament of the history of man and that by touching them will make me feel like I'm touching my past as well. Maybe someday in the future, I'll be able to do that.

Sunday, March 14, 2004

More Hodge Podge

It's been quite awhile since I had an entry. I blame my hopelessly full schedule. Let me see, where do I start?

I bought a new Palm Zire a couple of weeks ago. My boyfriend (yes, it gets easier saying it everyday) sync-ed it for me the next day after he joined me and my family shopping at Greenhills. Anyway, regardless of my new toy, my schedule is still messed up. Messed up in a sense that I'm beginning to value every minute of my time due to my activities and commitments. Nevertheless, no use in complaining. I just have to make do with what I have and try to cope. Thank God the term is almost over. It would mean (1) I have more time which I can devote to work and (2) Leo and I have more time together. It's very difficult to arrange our schedules as it is. In fact, we only see each other during weekends (which is usually after his class in the later afternoon). Weekdays are difficult since I work late and he lives an hour away down south. We fill the gap by burning the phone lines day and night. Regaling each other of stories of how our respective days went.

Friday last week, Leo and I went out with my officemates. We went to this place in Pasig which is owned by the brother-in-law of another officemate. It's a "grill" place where there's a band late in the evening. My friends picked on us by requesting a song dedicated to me ("Kate") which was supposedly requested by him. The song is hopelessly mushy and L. and I laughed so much when we heard the song ("Because of You"). After a few hours, we bade goodbye to meet Rico, Ching and Mike at Greenbelt. My boyfriend and I arrived at Greenbelt less than half an hour later. It was already 11 pm by then.


is all around.

I really love this film. It's one of those feel-good movies that we seldom seem to have nowadays. It's akin to having a sugar-high. You feel giddy after you watch it. Moreover when you have your significant other holding your hand the whole time.

My favorite part involves the bestfriend of this black dude who's married to the character of Kiera Knightly. He loved her but let his bestfriend marry her. She found out about it when she saw the videos that he took of her during her wedding day. On Christmas Eve, he went to her doorstep and declared his love through cleverly made placards. I could not help but cry and sob while watching this particular scene. He acknowledged that he has no agenda or hope of getting something out of his declaration. And I quote, "My wasted heart wants to say that you are perfect and that I will love you until you look like this." (picture of a mummy). Kiera gave him a kiss afterwards and she joined her husband. The guy then turned around and whispered, "Enough." That was the heartbreaking part. For me, that is what true love is all about. He loved her enough to let go of her and let her be with her husband and he in turn, resolved to stop torturing himself and to get on with his life.

This movie celebrates all kinds of love. Love between an aging former-heroin addicted rock star and his fat manager; Love between a man and his bestfriend and his wife; Love between a middle aged-couple and the husband's secretary; Love between the most powerful man in Britain and his "catering manager; Love between a man, his dead wife and his stepson; Love that overcame language and racial barriers; and a couple more side stories of love.

Love actually does exist. I almost gave up on this very worthwhile emotion but a part of me held onto the promise of God. In fact, my favorite passage in the Bible is all about Love.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But greatest of these is love.

I would want to think that this is the kind of love that I am blessed to have right now. I am not saying that we have a perfect relationship. We're still trying to learn and know more of each other. It's a journey, and an exciting one at that. One where we both want to know where it will take us.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Take and Receive

"Take and receive, O Lord, my liberty
Take all my will, my mind, my memory
All things I hold and all I own are thine
Thine was the gift to thee I all resign.
Do thou direct and govern all and sway
Do what thy will command and I obey
Only thy grace, thy love on me bestow
These make me rich, all else will I forego."

Above are lyrics of one of my favorite mass songs. It's a song that talks about total obedience and submission to the will of God. It's basically being dependent on a supreme being.

Some people find this difficult to comprehend, especially those who believe that their lives are theirs to control. I have no quarrel about that. In fact, an important principle that I live on is to not mess about with anyone's faith and as long as they leave my beliefs alone.

That is why I live each day with the thought that all that I have today are not possible if not for God. That all I have are actually His and His to give or take. All that I can do is to nurture and care for all the things He has given me, until the time He would take everything back.

Recently, He has given me a great treasure which is the most wonderful gift that I have ever received from Him. The first few days, all I can do was stare at it and try to figure out how to go about in nurturing it and letting it grow. Actually, I'm still adjusting to the idea of having this gift around.

What was funny, was that I didn't know it was a gift in the first place. It arrived rather unnoticed that it took several months until I recognized that it was a gift from God. I felt awe and wonder when I managed to take the time out and observe this new present that I have been blessed to have.

I hold this gift in my hands, clutching at it not too tightly, nor too loosely. Just enough to let it foster and bloom, but at the same time, hoping and praying that it would not wander off or fade away.

I do not know what tomorrow brings for this gift, or its purpose in the greater scheme of things. I still live with the shadow of fear and anxiety clouding my heart, but I hope that one day, the warm rays of love will shine to chase away all the cold and ice. I live today for today and hope that the future will be bright for this blessing.

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Still Sleepless

I feel an overwhelming tiredness due to lack of sleep. I mentioned in my previous post that I'm having sleeping problems. Going to sleep is no problem. It's staying asleep which is. For once, I want to wake up at 7 am and not at 5 am. I have no plans on going to the gym tomorrow so I do hope I'll be able to sleep through. The current heat wave is not helping.

Fortunately, I have someone who keeps me going everyday when I feel the tiredness seeping into my bones. He keeps me sane. He keeps me whole. He keeps me from acting like a chicken with its head cut off.