My work is already brutal but what makes it worse is the people around me.
An incident of monumental proportions happened at the office which was perpetuated by some people. I can't go into details but let's just say that I'm being brought into it when I had no idea what they were doing. I was being implicated by an e-mail wherein the objective was not meant to support their nefarious activities and even if you read it, it had no indication of that.
Even if the higher ups asked for an incident report, they already know who was responsible. I can't help but be amused when the people responsible were preparing the incident report was they kept on implicating me when in reality, they bypassed me for several months.
I already had an idea what they were doing as they were mumbling and whispering in their cubicle over the incident report. I'm just blessed that the person who needs to submit that report refuses to believe the crap they wrote down and even messaged me about it. I'm blessed that I have other people around me who still have the right morals and even praised me for being so nice.
I guess that would be my detriment. I'm still "nice" to the people who are backstabbing me. My thought is that I still have to do my work even if I hate them. I have to approach them and talk to them but nothing much I can do if they still choose to make me look like the bad guy.
My other colleagues who are familiar with my responsibilities and what we do sympathize with me, especially my team. We shed blood and tears and render sleepless nights in order to deliver the things that they need yet vilify us and won't take responsibility for their actions.
That's another thing that pisses me off.
I love my job and what I do. For the first time in my career, I might resign because I can't take the people that I work with. I'm only staying because I still believe in my boss and his leadership and that he needs me more than ever. But I know at some point, I have to take care of my mental health and I will definitely cross the bridge when I get there.
After a year, I had my hair dyed again.
The state of my hair usually did not bother me. However, seeing all those white hair adorning my head is reminding me of the incidents why I got them in the first place.
I noticed that when I get stressed out, aka, worried, they all come out in full force. It reached the point that even my eyebrows are sprouting white hair.
That's why my first main agenda when I went on block leave was to have my locks colored. It was liberating, of some sort--like a clean slate. Also had a cut as well, to stave off those unruly curls.
Next on the agenda, is to visit my dad.
I've been taking block leaves (vacation leave for at least 5 days--10 days for other companies) ever since I started working for banks but this is the first time in ages that I get to post about it.
I remember that in my early days of working, I would look forward to these days as it would be time for me to destress and do some self-care stuff. But for the past several years, it just meant that I can work from home (even when I was in the US, I was still working!).
For this year's block leave, I ensured to schedule an out-of-the-country trip with my eldest so we can bond. It will also force me to "disconnect" from work which I really need to do badly to regain my peace of mind.
Work has consumed me a lot ever since I joined my current employment--not that I'm complaining. I had to prioritize things, that's why blogging, which I used to prolifically do in the past, took a back seat.
Whenever I'm on break, I'd do things such as:
1. Spend time with kids.
2. Self care:
a. Watch KDramas or whatever series that I'm hooked on (come think of it, I also haven't updated my Kdrama blog in a long time)
b. Go to the salon or have a massage
c. Go window shopping
2. Clean
3. Bake or make kimchi
Half of 2024 is almost over yet I haven't written anything here yet.
This 2024 is very challenging for my family. From the back-to-back hospitalization of my father to issues at work. I can't seem to catch a break.
Probably the highlight of this year is career-wise, my horoscope seemed to have come true. Not that I'm happy about it but it was a reward of some sort. A reward which I'm not sure I like but it is what it is.
I'm looking forward to the mother-son trip with my eldest. It'll just be us two and I'm looking forward to getting to know my son more.
My family went through a lifechanging ordeal recently.
My youngest was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease--Anti-NMDAReceptor Encephalitis. It started with the seizure episode and it went downhill from there. As per tagged website, symptoms are as follows:
At onset, the most distinctive features include prominent and mixed psychiatric symptoms, seizures, confusion and memory loss. The psychiatric features often include bizarre and rather disturbing behaviours with mood changes, and patients are often initially looked after in mental health hospitals. They may see things which aren’t there, develop strange beliefs or appear agitated. After this, often 10 to 20 days later, patients develop a movement disorder, variations in blood pressure, heart rate and temperature and lose awareness. The movement disorder often consists of continuous writhing and twitching of face and limbs but can also be a generalised slowing-down of movements. Most patients develop several of these features, but very rarely individual patients may experience only a few of these features.
Seeing my son go through all of these was very traumatic. I felt so helpless that I couldn't do anything to help him except rely on his doctors to help him get well.
We spent 23 days at the Asian Hospital and it was 23 days of torture. It took 2 weeks for his illness to be diagnosed and another week or so of treatments.
We were able to bring my son home but the road to recovery is long and arduous. He basically went through the whole gamut of symptoms and when we were discharged, he was on a wheelchair and could not eat or do things by himself. From the lively, active boy, he basically became an invalid who depended on us 100%.
I rely on the proven fact that recovery is imminent but we would have to be patient as it can take as long as 2 years. I've read so many testimonies of children getting better and resuming their old lives. I can't wait for that time to come as my heart breaks everytime I see my child being the way he is right now.
Now, I have to struggle with my own conundrum and make more decisions.
I've posted previously about my job which I love. However, it entails long hours and much of my energy. I'm lucky that the past two days I've returned to the office, the people I needed to talk to were away for an offsite meeting so I was able to go home earlier than usual and spend time with my sons (my eldest is also sick so I had to tend to him as well). A few months back, I was asked if I wanted to take on one of the units which my boss had problems with. But that would entail giving up my current job and moving to that team which my boss did not want me to do as he wants me to stay put. Now I'm seriously thinking of pushing it.
The new role is actually what I used to do in my previous job. The main reason why I'm seriously eyeing it now is that it's relatively light and based on what I've observed, not as heavy as my current role. Though how much I love my boss and what I do, my family comes first.
Let's see. I'll check how I am in a week's time and if this feeling persists then will push for the move.
In the meantime, please pray for the recovery of my son.
