Nagparamdam

It's been seven months since you've been gone. 

There are days that I really miss you. I miss bouncing ideas off someone and having someone find solutions for me. I miss having someone who knows what I want even before I want it. You were always like that. You were the best co-worker/team leader I've ever had and you definitely made my work as your department head, so easy. 

Just last week, I was so angry at a bank as they managed to fudge up my request which resulted to me being charged with unnecessary fees. I asked to speak with a supervisor who promised me a resolution. Within the day, somebody called me to find more about my issue and promised that he'll help me. When I asked for his name, I was taken aback when it was the same as yours. I literally paused and almost cried. I remember how you were always like that. You knew how to assuage my anger before it got out of hand. I thanked the person over the phone and told him that he shared the same name as one of my good friends.  

Now that I started a new job, I'm missing you more than ever. There were times that I felt so lost in what I do and doubted myself and my capabilities. I recall when I started my last role in our company, I confided to you my insecurities but you cheered me on saying I can do it and that I'll succeed. And what do you know, I did. What saddens me was that you were not around to see me kick ass. 

I finally had lunch with your lovely wife yesterday. While walking to the restaurant, I was figuring out how I should greet her but the apprehension disappeared when I saw her. We were both all smiles and shared stories, anecdotes and whatever else under the sun about our respective lives and of course, about you. I almost lost it when she showed me her remembrance of you but I kept it together. What made me lose it though, was when we hugged goodbye afterwards. I wanted to cry in the middle of High Street but we did promise that there would be no tears. 

Up to now, I still want to cry everytime I'd remember that hug. I don't know if it was her consoling me or me consoling her but we both know that it will take time for all of us to get over losing you. And from the looks of it--her most especially.

I promise one day, I'll visit your resting place. In my mind, you are still alive and kicking and that I'll get to talk to you again when we return to work. I guess when I do visit you, it'll be me accepting that you're really gone. 

In the meantime, I'd like to let you know that I'm getting used to my new job--acclimating myself to the culture and the people and looking for a person who can be my "Ernie". 

First Week

As expected, my first week at my new job was information overload. I had to unlearn all the jargon I knew and learn new ones. I had to familiarize myself with processes and people. 

I also had a short talk with my boss earlier and I realized that I've been given a daunting task. Hopefully, I'll be able to deliver. He thinks he can so I'll hold on to that belief that I can. All it takes is just one person to believe in me.

What I do involves a lot of research and readings--one that I know I'm good at. Hopefully, I'll still be fit in the role even if my experience was in the back-end. 

I'm also intimidated by the other executives reporting to my boss. This is the largest I've seen him handle but I believe he'll be able to do it. Hopefully, so can I. 

Constant Change

The past few weeks have been hectic.

I tendered my resignation last September 17 and had my last day on October 15. I started my new job yesterday, October 18. Not to mention, tending to bread and kimchi orders. I haven't had time to sit down and rest or even watch my kdramas.

I have been with the bank for 9 years and 7 months. I guess 9 is the magic number because even in my previous job, I also resigned at 9 years. 

One thing I learned in my despedidas was that I never realized how important I was until I left. The accolades just came one after the other yet I never felt them when I was holding that position. 

I'm excited about this new role as it's different from I do. Hopefully, I'll be able to delivery expectations to think it took more than 6 months until I was able to transition. I'm not that nervous as I trust my line manager enough that he'll guide me to do the correct and right things. Hopefully, it will translate well. 

And It Starts

The -ber months have always been horribly busy for me and being in lockdown--well, Alert Level 4--does not exempt me from that.

Last year, I have taken to baking breads and eventually selling them which kept me busy until December. This year, I added kimchi to my menu and it helped boost up the sales. However, I'm also learning Korean on top of transitioning to my new job which added to the stress. I should be doing my homework now but I'm beginning to believe that learning a new language at my age can be quite a deterrent. I can't keep up with my classmates and I struggle in forming sentences. I mean, I can understand but replying to a question can take me minutes to form a single sentence. 

But then, I realized that everything is just a mind game. I kept on putting myself down in my socmed page which somehow added to the belief that I'm no good. 

I had the same experience in high school when I always thought that I'm horrible in Math. We had a tutor who taught us that it's actually easy and when I got the concepts, I had a grand time. 

So I guess I just have to convince myself that I can actually do this. 

New Beginnings

Taken from weheartit.com

After 9 years and 7 months with my company, I finally tendered my resignation and will stay for 30 days to do my turnover. 

My husband actually took an issue why I should take 30 days when I have all those vacation leaves available. There are just so many things to do that I need to either finish or turnover to the next person who will take over my responsibilities.

It was really difficult at first. I mulled it over for several weeks and months until I finally decided to take the plunge. I couldn't sleep the previous day that I scheduled the talk with my manager and afterwards, I felt like I could breathe. 

It won't be a big change as I'll be in the same industry industries and I'll be working with my previous boss whom I really got along well with. Together we'll get to accomplish so many things. He'll be the brains, I'll be the hands and feet. 

My leaving won't be as bittersweet even if I spent almost a decade with this company. The pandemic somehow dulled the memories as I haven't seen my colleagues for almost two years now. If ever we were at work, my resignation won't be as easy. 

So excited to start this new chapter of my journey. 
 

Out of Sorts

I've been out of sorts the past weeks. I've taken to walking 2-3x/ a week. However, I realized I should take more precautions now due to the weather. 

In the past, I usually wear dri-fit clothes when I go out at 530 or 6 in the morning. Lately, I have to factor in the early morning weather which is quite cool but unfortunately, is not good for sweating people. 

For the past couple of weeks, I've always wondered why I fall sick the day after I go walking. It seems that my shirt was too thin and my sweat would dry out in the cold morning air. As what we say in the local language, nahamugan. I never believed in it until I experienced it. I was disappointed in myself for being so sensitive. Or maybe it comes with the age. 

So if I'm better tomorrow, will walk wearing a sweater on top of my shirt. Hopefully, it'll stave off any ailments. 

Crossroads

I'm faced with a crossroads once again. 

Taking the first step is always the hardest and all the cliches that comes with it. 

I can do this. Wish me luck!

Assertive Defender - ISFJ-A

I took this personality test to know my profile and I laughed when I saw it. 

Work-wise, I now know why I was chosen to take my current job role and why I excelled in it. 

It was the Sentinel Role that really amused me. My current job is somewhat like audit and compliance and considered the 2nd line of defense of our company. Considering that I'm an assertive defender, I think I really have found my calling.

I got a kick out of this paragraph though:

In all of their relationships, Sentinels want to make contributions. This attitude informs how they treat not only their nearest and dearest but also their acquaintances, neighbors, and coworkers. These aren’t the personality types who neglect their responsibilities or leave the office kitchen a mess – in fact, they’re often the types who quietly clean up other people’s messes, both literal and metaphorical.

I do this often--cleaning up other people's messes. It's a job that I actually enjoy and find a sense of accomplishment when I managed to have it done. And this one is true as well.

Of course, Sentinels wouldn’t mind being recognized for the ways they help others, but these personalities rarely demand attention. Instead, they work behind the scenes to make everyone’s lives run as smoothly as possible, even if that means taking on unglamorous tasks like remembering to buy toilet paper or handling their family’s income taxes. They may not be obvious with their feelings, but Sentinels do care and care deeply – you just have to know how to spot it.

Maybe that's why I have always been taken for granted. 

Korean Lessons - Day 2

Last week, I restarted my pursuit in learning Korean. I joined a language class and have greatly improved to where I was from last year. I've gotten better in writing and reading Hangeul. My vocabulary leaves much to be desired though but I learned a new technique which would hopefully help me in memorization.

Another struggle is learning how to construct sentences. I learned English grammar by reading books, that's why I sucked during grammar class as I had no idea what the rules were. The way I practice it is that as long as it sounds and looks good, it should be fine.

Realizing now how important that is as I'm struggling with subject, object and verbs which is vital in Korean sentence construction. It's so I can properly use the particles which would mark each work. I just spent 2 hours doing a 5 sentence assignment. Hopefully, that will improve in the next few months.

화이팅!

Korean Lessons

I started taking Korean lessons a couple of years ago at a place somewhere in Pasig. I would drive every Saturday, together with my neighbor, so we could attend free classes together with almost a hundred other students.

I found it difficult at first as my classmates had some knowledge of the language while I had nil. I struggled to catch up and my ahjumma brain could not cope. I ended up flunking the course which affected my confidence.

I studied by myself and practiced writing the alphabet and tried to teach myself a few words. Of course, I picked up some expressions from the kdramas and kvariety shows that I watch. 

But I decided to pick it up again and took a course in conversational Korean at the Verb Hive. Fortunately, I'm already familiar with the language so it's a matter of sentence construction and putting together the correct words. My pronunciation sucks though. The polite and informal language makes it more confusing but I'm slowly getting there. 

I had my first class last weekend and I was happily surprised that our 선셍님 (seonsangnim - teacher) looks like Seungri of Big Bang. This time around, I was able to follow the teacher and slowly put construct (hopefully) palatable sentences. The assignments were also fun though it's really taking so much of my time. Might as well as there's no Korean dramas to watch. 

Fighting!

Decluttering

I've always had difficulty controlling my mess. I try my best to organize stuff but I just end up relocating my clutter. 

For the past several days, I've made it a point to start throwing away stuff. I made it a goal to fill up my trash can and I've been doing so since Thursday. That's only the cabinets on beside my work station. I have to work my away throughout the room to make sure I get through stuff. And I have to also check out the boxes that are outside our room. 

So far, I've thrown away knick knacks that I haven't seen or used the past 20 years. Some of them are just dust gatherers and which I'm keeping for nostalgia's sake.

Nostalgia is a tricky thing. I look at them, reminisce for a few minutes then put them back. Am thinking how I can immortalize them without keeping them. Maybe take pictures and keep them digitally? Let's see though. I'm getting the hang of throwing away stuff. Problem is, I'm replacing them with more stuff that I buy online. It's a ruthless cycle which I don't know how will end. 

Poetry

Frustrated with all my clutter, I've started sorting through all the papers and stuff that are stored inside our room. I found some poetry that I wrote more than 20 years ago. I cringed at some of them but there are some that I wish to save. Like the poem below:

CAFÉ

Eyes crimson and heavy amidst vodka

conversations and cigarette breaths

I elude sleep, eat peanuts

spiced with gossip. Drink vodka

cooled with iced laughter.

I elude sleep but succumb 

To the amnesia of drunkenness

ECQ Season X

We can only breathe a resigned sigh when the government called for another 2-week lockdown to hopefully stem the spreading of the dreaded delta COVID virus variant.

I know that we are a resilient species but the past year and including this year is quickly wearing down our resolve. I also know that this too will end and I can't wait for that to happen. But as what we say in the vernacular, hindi ko alam kung saan tayo pupulutin nun. 

A lot of people have been playing the blame game and I'm not exempt from that. We could only look at envy as we see how other countries have successfully battled this unseen enemy and have gone back to their normal lives. Tayo kaya? Sana all.

I'd hear, konting tiis nalang. Lilipas rin to. Pero minsan, nakakapagod na rin siya. 

Smart Home

I've always been a fan of automation--of being able to do things better. More often than not, I'm at the end-user and always have someone to do the nitty gritty programming for me. But ever since I saw my oppa's, Ha Seok Jin, high-tech home on his YT channel, I was inspired to do the same thing for our bedroom. 

However, I'm not much of a techie and I abhor the thought of programming anything (that's why I quit my Com Sci course) so I didn't bother much to think about it. But when a member of one of the FB groups I belong to posted an idiot-guide on how to do simple smart home tricks, I decided to try it on my own. 

My hubby recently installed his old Google Chromecast on my TV as he bought a new one. He paired it with my Google Home on my phone and I initially just used it in casting VIU, IQIYI and my other Kdrama watching apps on the TV. Just for the heck, I tried saying, "Hey google, open the TV" and it just responded. I was so lit! 

I went back to the idiot-guide and followed the advice of the poster. I went to Lazada and Shopee and bought the following:

1. Google Nest Mini Smart Speaker - This will serve as the main controller. Out of all the stuff that I ordered, this was the last one to arrive. It's easy to include in Google Home. Am a bit wary though in the information being stored but it's just so convenient!

2. Google Chromecast - This is actually nice if your TV is not "smart" and has no apps installed. But in my case, I use it to cast the kdramas from the apps that I use (e.g. VIU, IQYI, WeTv and Viki). I know it also contains Netflix but I already have it installed on the TV. For this instance, I use Chromecast to turn the tv on/off.

3. LASCO Wifi Smart IR - This is what I use to connect my aircon as well as other appliances that can be controlled by Infrared and within line of sight of the device. 

4. Wifi Smart Plug - I used this to wirelessly connect my non-IR devices such as the electric fans. 

I've managed to connect all the appliances to my Google Home and I'm actually amazed. My Google Nest arrived late so I've been controlling everything first via my phone which is such a hassle as it will only work if my phone is unlocked. 

So far, I managed to voice-activate the aircon, tv and electric fan. My next project would be the lights and eventually, the curtains (the last as it's the most expensive due to the needed motor). I also intend to program in some "if-then" scenarios. I'm pretty excited over it as the possibilities are endless. 

Now, if I can just get rid of all the clutter in our room. There's just too much stuff which I haven't used in over a year. The hoarder in me refused to let them go. 

Here's Ha Seok Jin's video where he explained how he did it for his home.

Hindi Ka Nag-iisa

 

When Pres Noynoy died last June, I wasn't able to grieve for him as much as I did when his parents passed away as I was in the middle of my own crisis. It's only now that I felt the impact of his death.

He was not the perfect president--and I doubt no one ever was or will be. I have had my own frustrations with him but as a Filipino, I am proud of what he had accomplished and the legacy that he had left behind. 

I grieve not only for the man who died but I also grieve for the time that I can truly feel proud about being a Filipino; of my government; of my country. 

I've always known the realities of having different parties and sides  but for the past 5 years, never have I felt our country so divided. It's difficult to bring up that feeling of patriotism and love for country when you don't see that trait being exhibited by our leaders. Our recent victories in a worldwide sport event and even the bayanihan of some of our countrymen during this pandemic managed to bring up some love but that was even tainted by politics.

We have our chance to resurrect our patriotism or even salvage our country as we elect a new set of leaders next year. I have yet to see the final roster and make my choice but I hope our fellow citizens will have the same mindset. 

Hopefully, one day, we can truly say to our neighbor again, "Hindi ka nag-iisa".

Bruises

 

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

I bumped my hand against a table corner last Monday. It didn't hurt that much so I was surprised when I saw a bruise starting to form the next day. 

It started to being a light red until turning a fascinating hue of maroon and purple. It's already on Day 4 and there tinges of yellow and green on the side. 

Am just captivated with how my skin can have different colors without getting a tattoo. 

Congratulations, Hidilyn Diaz!

 

After almost a hundred years since the Philippines started participating in the Olympics, we won our first ever Gold. 

I cried with her when she realized that she won and cried more when our National Anthem was played. 

What made the win more symbolic was who she won against. 

At 4'11", she lifted weights that are twice her body mass which made her win more astounding. She brought home the message to the Filipinos that size does not matter. We may be a small country but we have a big heart and no bully or frustrating leader can douse this fire that is burning in our hearts.

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas! 

Days Like These

I truly had the most relaxing weekend that I had in months. And it did not take an out of town trip to get my mind back on track. Actually, am not sure if it is in track but I'm happy that I spent the weekend just chillaxing, sleeping and not having work hound me. 

I also have a new oppa who inspires me--Ha Seok Jin. Unfortunately, it's difficult to find his merchandise as he's not as well known as the other oppas out there. Whenever I search for his name in Shopee, Jin's BTS keeps on popping up. Come to think of it, I also tried looking for his merch when I was in SK at the request of Mayeth but was not successful. It's ok though. I don't have to share him with lots of people. He's the only actor who I included in my Google alerts and even turned on my IG and Youtube notifs for him. I never did that to anyone even during my ALDUB fangirling days. I must have had it bad. Now if I could learn Korean fast enough so I can watch his YT videos without waiting for the English translation. It's really so frustrating. I really can't be self taught even if I have all these books to teach me.  

Learning a language is a two-way thing. I have to practice it out but that's what I'm missing--a constant language companion. Same as how I contracted an American accent when I was in the US. My learning has always been auditory. So hard to adjust. 

Breathe

 It's Friday and for the first time in a long line of Fridays, I just don't want to do anything today. 

For the past few months, Friday was panic day as I'll be cramming to finish so many tasks during the day. Most of what I do is dependent on other units and considering the urgency, some of them might be postponing some of the deliverables until the next week. So I would bug them during the day to ensure they submit my requirements. 

I woke up with no electricity earlier because of a lightning strike on one of the posts inside our village. Fortunately, it was restored a couple of hours later. However, I started developing hives from I don't know what. I haven't taken any anti-allergy yet but will do so inawhile. I try not to take the strong stuff as I don't like the groggy feeling afterwards.  

I haven't done my morning walks for 4 days now. I can't understand where the laziness is coming from. I just want to sleep and sleep. I just want to relax nowadays but I can't afford to let my guard down. Surprises often happen in my line of work so I have to be on my toes when such incidents occur. 

Anyway, happy Friday to all of us! This would probably be by most relaxing weekend in a long long while. 

It's Over. It's Done.

Our audit is officially over. I could breathe a sigh of relief. I just want to take a deep breath and let it all out. I can't believe I survived it. 

It's my first time coordinating everything maybe that's why it was so harrowing. All the worrying and lack of sleep paid off though as I've been getting compliments from my peers. 

I definitely learned a lot from this. There's also so many things to do and we'll surely get there. 

For now, I'm hoping to get my first restful sleep in months. 

Unsettled

I'm feeling unsettled the past few weeks. I'm not sure where I want to go or what I want to do. The stress that I went through recently was an eye-opener and gave me a new perspective on things.

One thing's for sure, WFH is not good for stress management. It gives you a feeling of loneliness that is usually not present when you're physically working with peers. Before, whenever I'm stressed, I would just walk it off or go to an officemate's cubicle and shoot the breeze. Nowadays, I just have to give a big sigh and bear it. Definitely not healthy.

I can't wait for this thing to be over. 

The Months That Were

Up to now, I'm amazed how I was able to survive the stress for the past 4-5 months. It's hard to talk about it due to confidentiality reasons but for most of those months, I felt like I carried such a great burden. I had to make people comply and get the reports that are being requested by the auditing body. There were days that I just wanted to quit but I held on and guided everyone up to the best of my abilities. 

And I think we did well. Surprisingly well considering that it was my first major audit and half of the time, I had no idea what I was doing. I survived by asking around and getting around my shyness with people. If I needed something, I just reached out to the person in charge regardless of the person's rank.

I received a lot of compliments and thanks for a job well done. What made it meaningful was it did not come only from my supervisor but from my peers as well and which added to my sense of accomplishment. Previously, I felt like it was my ex-boss that only believed in me. Sadly, he encouraged me while he was in another company but it felt great. It only had to take one person to believe in me and I just handled the rest. He has always told me that I could do it.

I really do miss my old boss. I'm not saying that I do not like my new boss. She's just as awesome. But nothing would replace the working relationship I had with my previous boss. I just wish we'll have a chance to work together again. 

Fishieeeessss!!!!

I love fishing.

Amazing fact for someone whose experience of catching fish is buying them at the grocery. I never caught a fish in my life and that's not because of lack of attempts. I last tried to do this almost 14 years ago at El Nido. Everyone around me were catching fish while I did not have even a nibble.

Let me expound on that further though.

Maybe it's not fishing that I love but the visceral images of catching fish and preparing them for a meal--yes, including the part of cleaning and chopping them out.

In our younger days, my siblings and I would spend summers over at our grandparents at Tanauan. Since the house was just a stone throw's away from the market, my aunts would go to the palengke to buy fresh meat and seafood almost daily. I would tag along either to bug them to buy ampaw or the latest Aliwan or Funny comics (Abangan!). Of course, that would mean going into the wet market.

It was an interesting but not unwelcome experience when we would buy dalag or hito. The vendor would kill the fish in front of us and the blood won't faze me (ok, I guess it's no wonder that I can stand watching OCN shows).

So to end this long post, here's a channel that I became interested in lately. Prior to this, the fishing channel that I regularly follow was Deer Meat for Dinner (don't ask how that became a fishing channel). This one just popped in my suggested feed and not only is the host a cutie, but the sea life that he catches and how he eviscerates them caught my fancy (that's it. I must be a shark in my previous life seeing how much I love seeing fish. Oh wait, I think "whale" is more applicable). :)

My Sunday

 

Food Delivery became an essential service in the past year. But nothing beats newly cooked/prepared food and drinks.

After going out for groceries, hubby and I had brunch and lunch. Brunch was this Korean hotdog from Gorae. I was able to order previously from them but the dogs were cold when they arrived. But this one was newly cooked and I now understand the fuss. The breading was crispy and complemented the oh so melty mozarella cheese. The hotdog was good too.

For lunch, we had Mary Grace and the stall of Koomi was in front of the resto. I was curious as I kept on seeing it in Grab so I bought us a couple. I got Mango Graham yogurt while hubby got Ube. It was so decadent but their ad said that it's yogurt so guilt free.

Our local parks also opened so we were able to take out the boys for much needed air. We chose a secluded park so we were the only ones in the playground. It took a promise of McD's fries to get Bennet to leave (and a car ride too). 

At the end of the day, my step count reached 16000+! Good thing as I consumed so much calories! 

I was unused to the physical activity that I was asleep by 9PM (with the help of my Deep Relief oil).

Stressed Again

I don't know when this will end. And when I thought that the past months were bad, it got worse the past few weeks. I appreciate it when I see messages of encouragement and support but it got really bad today. Am no longer sure if I can manage this. I really need to pray hard. Hopefully, they will be done by the end of the month. I really really hope so. 

Please pray for me. 

Stressed

It has been quite some time since I was *THIS* stressed. I was hyperventilating this morning as the problems and issues kept on coming one after the other. I'm not sure why I'm like this when I usually just laugh such issues off. 

I'm starting to worry as it's beginning to affect my health already. I'm not sure if it's because of this WFH set-up or I'm lost my support system but I feel really vulnerable. Adding to my stress stew is my son who has some sort of eczema appearing all over his body. Its starting to worry me already. 

I diffused VALOR Essential Oil and smeared some drops of BELIEVE on my head and pulse points. Amazingly, it calmed me down and restored my optimistic outlook. I can't believe I was in such a dark place earlier. It was scary. 

I can go back to believing that we can overcome this and that this too shall pass.

Calm Before the Storm

Things have been "peaceful" the past week and I'm thinking that it's the calm before the storm. 

I'm nervous AF and I'm not sure how to allay this feeling. I know I did my best to prepare everyone but nevertheless, it does not stop nor address the uneasiness that seems to pervade my waking hours.

This is something that I really do not envision myself doing in the long term. I don't know. Maybe because it's the first time for me so it's a learning experience but if there's one thing that my colleague's death taught me, no job is worth the stress.

Stress is good, yes, but not to the point that it's robbing me of much needed sleep and rest. I've lost count of the nights that I wake up in cold sweat thinking of something that I might've missed.  There must be a balance somewhere. I'm hoping to find it someday before I'm forced to do something I'm not ready to do. 

Grief

How does one deal with grief? 

I had a difficult time last Thursday when we learned of the news. I found myself breaking down later that evening. I couldn't sleep and not even my Kdramas could soothe me. 

We held an online wake for you last Friday evening. It was a chance for us, his colleagues, to come together and share stories about him. Most couldn't speak as they were so overcome with emotion. Besides, it was the best that we can do considering the COVID situation. It sucks though as nothing would beat a physical hug for comfort.

I wanted to hug so many people that day--his family, his team members, his supervisors. Heck, I wish I could even hug myself (though my husband did that for me). Numerous people have already expressed their frustration with this epidemic and I add my voice to that count--not because of the curtailed freedom to go anywhere I want, but more of the freedom to express our sympathies the way we want them to.

It still hurts up to now and I can only imagine the pain of his family. 

One thing's for sure, even when we finally return to work, it will never be the same. 

Goodbye, Ernie

I hate it that this is our last photo together taken last December. I hate it that we never had a proper celebration or even a proper goodbye. An hour after we heard the news, I can't still process the thought that you're gone. 

I can still remember the time we first met. I recently joined the bank and I was looking for a new team leader for my department. Your resume landed in my inbox and though you had no experience with the product, I still hired you because I trusted my instincts. Plus, your answers to my Ms. Universe questions were beyond par. 

Over the years, you impressed me with your wit and how you managed to get things done the way I wanted them to be done. You've become my confidante--one who I've bounced ideas off and one who will never hesitate to speak his mind.  

And don't get me started on your generosity and the stories. We never seem to run out of them. 

It still amuses me that I started the trend of having people call you by your first name in the office when nobody outside of work knows you by that name. 

My heart goes out to your wife who I know you love so dearly. 

I have so many stories and so many encounters. But one thing's for sure. I will really really miss you, my friend. God bless. Until we meet again. 

Mother Tongue

I've always wondered why Koreans in their variety shows would say, "I'm bad in Korean" whenever they fail a game which involves a play in hangul. I'm like, "they're Korean! It's their mother tongue! How can they be bad at it?"

Just this morning, a friend asked for a Tagalog translation for a couple of English words. I was stumped and had to enlist the help of Google to find the proper terms. And when I did, I still had to struggle with the tenses. In the end, it was still not the appropriate translation.

So yes, I guess the nationality does not equate to being proficient of the language especially if it's not the mother tongue. Though I know Tagalog and can speak it, it's not same as my knowledge of the English language which I regularly use.

Of course, there's a part of me that's ashamed for not learning the language of my nation's forefathers but then, what would you expect if the education system is using English as it's medium of communication? 

Pingpong Ball

I'm so frustrated today. I feel like a pingpong ball. 

I have a report that's due for submission. It was assigned to one unit and suddenly, they're saying that it's not their responsibility on the day of my deadline. It's just so frustrating and I'm at wits end trying to figure out what to do. I've already extended a helping hand to help them figure things out and they're still at an impasse.

If I still won't get any results tomorrow, will definitely escalate.

All Apologies

I must really need a break. Noticed that the first emails that I sent this morning started off with apologies  when there's no reason for me to apologize. 

Moreover, I had to take a deep breath everytime I open my emails in the morning. 

There must be a better way for me to deal with all the stress.

Morning Walk

It's Day 12 of my morning walk. 

Lately, I've been stopping more often and took pictures of anything that caught my interest. Of course, I ensure that the pictures that I take are of public places and not to make it look like I'm taking a picture of another person's house. There are times that the flowers are too nice to miss so I ensure I frame out the house. 

The picture on the left was taken at 5:57AM. This is St. James the Great Parish church. This was also where my husband and I got married almost 14 years ago. I wish I took a better picture but I was after the sunrise and I was not even sure how to fix the camera settings. I would think that this turned out okay. 

I was walking pretty slow today. My average heart rate barely reached 120bpm and I felt like I was dragging my feet. There were times that I would want to just sit in front of one of the grottos and just space out.  

I should take a vacation before the actual audit comes. I need to get my head on straight. I know I can do this. I have to do this. Deep breaths. I can do this.  

How Are You?

The problem with WFH is that social interaction became very much limited. 

Previously, it was easy to let off steam or stress. I would walk it off outside the building or head off to the workstation of any of my colleagues and just take a minute to breathe. 

Nowadays, it's difficult to do that. I try to separate my work from my family life but since I'm in the house, more often than not, one overlaps with the other. 

I try to manage the stress by going for a walk every morning but it's different when you have someone to talk it out with. However, I think I've reached the point if I try to talk it out, I'll just breakdown. And considering that we have a very important deadline on Friday, I can't afford to breakdown. Maybe afterwards... 

In the meantime, will concentrate on breathing and taking it one day at a time. 

Bad Day

 

I know there are days worse that what I had today but I've noticed that I've been crying a lot over work recently. Am not sure if it's the stress or frustration but it's definitely something.

It's the downside of WFH, I guess. When face-to-face interaction is very much needed. But what I've been telling myself the last few days--we have to make do. This is the reality I face. I cannot afford to want something which is not there. I must adapt in order to survive. Else, I would find myself spiraling down to depression and anguish.

Kaya ko 'to. Kakayanin. Kailangang kayanin. 

At the Moment

I was preparing the program for my boss' send-off last night and I stalked people's FB for pictures of him to include in the AVP. 

Though it's been more than a year since this virus has wreaked havoc in our world, it's only now that I realized how things have really changed and I'm still trying to process my feelings about it. Case in point, the photos that I found. Out of all the 70 pictures that I managed to find, there's only one wherein I was included. Not surprising as I've been only reporting to him for only a year and majority of which was spent online due to the WFH arrangement.

All of them featured him with different colleagues, eating out or at events or even playing sports. None of those we can do today. We were lucky to have lunch with him last Christmas but that was it. Now all that I have as a remembrance of the best boss I ever had was his email archive which he has left with me. 

I also realized how clingy and dependent I am with my boss which is expected as it's the first time I was out of my comfort zone for 8 years. I had him to guide me through the rough patches and made us achieve all that we have accomplished. But I guess it's time that I let go and weather through all this on my own. I would want to think that he left me with enough learnings to make the right and appropriate decisions.

Cross-stitch 2021 version

I have been working on this cross-stitch piece for 8 years already. It's 26"x20" and using 80 different DMC threads. It's a replication of one of Baldemor's paintings.

I tend to get engrossed when I sew. For 36 hours of work, I was not even able to finish one panel. This piece has 9 panels and so far, I'm only able to finish 6. Thinking whether to pack this up and retrieve it again next holy week or continue on working on it. Thing is, I work long hours so I won't have time during the week. On weekends, I bake bread or catch up on my Kdramas. 

 

ECQ Part Deux

ECQ Season 2 was once again declared by the government and started yesterday. The past year has been mentally, physically, emotionally and financially exhausting. It seems that there's no silver lining in this hellhole that everyone had to wallow in for the past 12 months. 

When the lockdown started last year, we thought that it'd only last until the end of the year and everything will be back to normal soon. When my boss said that it'll probably take a couple of years at least, I was in disbelief. In hindsight, he might be right.

It's hard to look at the positive side of this when the bad news seem to outweigh the good news. When we see how other countries are beating the virus down, it's so disheartening to see how we fare. Granted that it's unfair to compare but I can only shake my head when the basics were not even done right. #masstesting #contacttracing

I know I have no right to preach when my family and I are comfortably ensconced in our own bubble. But I can still empathize and sympathize. Though I have long given up on this government, I can still lend my voice when needed. 

I'll be reaching my golden years soon and looking back at the past 40 years, I still have to make sense of my purpose. Yes, I know the basics--being a mom, wife, sister, daughter, cousin, niece, boss, subordinate--all of these things. I know. But there is more to it. I know so. I hope so.

10KM

I posted previously how passionate I was with biking and how it was the form of exercise that I can tolerate. However, ever since my accident, I haven't had the courage to get back on my bike. But since my body has been craving some sort of exercise (not to mention I had to huff and puff just climbing 3 flights of stairs), I resorted to walking. 

It's my second day and I already increased my distance. From yesterday's 2.7km, I was able to increase it to 3.62km today. My goal is to be able to walk 10km. From there, maybe I can move to jogging or running. I also increased my time from 30 mins to 45 mins. I want to walk at least for an hour. Good thing our neighborhood has open spaces and wide streets. Moreover, I walk early in the morning so less people and cars about. I have my Kpop playlist to keep my company. Though I might have to make a new one as I realized I put in too much ballads which makes me walk slower. .

I loved it when I started sweating. It's as if the toxins and negativity were also flowing out. Somehow, it's easier for my to start me workday even if I'm WFH. I found myself more energized and it a better frame of mind to cope with the stress and the issues that I encounter throughout the day. I hope I can continue this for 21 days so I can make it into a habit. 

KDrama OST to Kpop

 

I debated whether to post this here or to my Kdrama blog but I decided to just place it here.

Anyway, I initially didn't like listening to foreign language songs. I was too lazy to read up on the lyrics to find out what the song was about and not only that, it's so difficult to memorize. 

My perspective changed after watching Kdramas. The OST (Original Sound Track) literally adds drama to the show which amplifies the feelings. It was then that I realized that if a song is really good, lyrics are sometimes not necessary for me to feel the message. In fact, I do not even know the english meaning of the OSTs that I've memorized. 

From the OSTs, I migrated to Kpop. I can't recall how I got into it but I can remember how I discovered my first Kpop band--Big Bang. I was watching a Running Man episode where they were featured guests. The voice of one of the members, T.O.P., made me look them up and after seeing them perform, I just couldn't get enough.

I then broadened my scope to other types of Kpop and discovered their ballads. The featured video above was released in 2012 by Naul who belongs to band called Brown Eyed Soul. Funny that I first heard this when one of the channels that I subscribe to in YT, covered the drum line of the song. 

Oh, and while watching animes, I also loved the OSTs, so I now have a Japanese playlist in Spotify. 

 

When in Rome

Throughout my 20 year career, I've had numerous boss changes meaning either they resigned to move to other companies or were promoted to other roles internally. It didn't bother me much as I always saw it as a challenge and an opportunity to learn. However, when my boss called me earlier to tell me that he's leaving the bank, I cried after we ended the call. 

I've been working with him for more than a year already ever since I was assigned under his supervision. Suffice to say, I've learned so much from him over that whole period of time. He provided me the much needed direction in my tasks considering I was also new to the role. He always had time for me to discuss even the nitty gritty things. I also learned to make well-informed decisions as I know he will always have my back. For that, I will always be thankful to him.

I'm not sure now who will replace him and other than sadness, am feeling fear. With an upcoming external audit, I was hoping that he would guide me on what to do but it seems that I will be left to my own devices. Am not sure now whose guidance I would need to get.    

I can do a When in Rome but I do not like to leave things unfinished. Moreover, I made plans to stay where I am. I guess I just have to bear it and pray and hope for the best. 

Cycle of Life

 

I was in a bad cycling accident a couple of years ago. I looked ok in the left pic due to my camera filter but it hid the bruises and the blood stains.

I loved biking then as it was the only form of exercise that I could tolerate. My first bike was a mountain bike and it was cheap. I remember taking it out and riding down the streets. I was too embarrassed to join any cycling clubs as I felt my bike was not at par with the other two-wheelers that is prevalent in our village. 

I then decided to upgrade to an honest-to-goodness road bike which seems to be more comfortable and easy to use. I bought an entry-level Trinx for less than Php10,000 and happily cruised down our roads. 

However, our water utility company decided to replace our pipes and suffice to say, the roads were not as smooth as before. The pavings were uneven and more often than not--there were gaps and holes everywhere--which was the culprit of my accident.

I just turned right going down our street when I saw the pothole. However, it was too late for me to brake so I went through it. Since the hole was too deep and I was going too fast (it was a downward slope), my front wheel went flat and I lost control. I crashed towards the ground with my face kissing the rough pavement. 

I fortunately did not black out but it took awhile before I could stand up. Somebody saw me and rushed to help me up. As I didn't know the extent of my injuries, I refused his help and gingerly got up. 

I sat down by the roadside and was suddenly surprised when I felt liquid quickly dripping down my face.  I wiped it and almost panicked when I saw it was blood. Apparently, the sunglasses that I was wearing cracked and a piece of it pierced that side near my eye. I took stock of my other injuries and saw that I had abrasions on my arm and shoulders and even had cuts on my legs. Even my lips were not spared.

I quickly called my husband for help. Fortunately, our house was just a few meters away so he was there in no time. He quickly brought me to the village clinic where they cleaned up the wounds and patched me up. However, they wanted to sew the wound near my eye as the skin tore open. I refused and just had myself transferred to the nearest hospital where they just glued the skin down.

The water utility company visited my house to apologize and replaced my bike. They also reimbursed my hospital expenses, although I haven't rode that bike yet. 

Maybe one day, I can ride again.

Four Years

It's my youngest child's 4th birthday today. 

I'm still at disbelief that it's been that long already. As I stare at him while he wrecks havoc all overour bed, I can't help but utter that kids grow up too fast. Though it seems like forever, but it really feels like it was just like yesterday when I just gave birth to him! Blogged about it here. 

Having two kids who are 8 years apart, dare I say, is somewhat easier than having them one after the other. Easier for the caregivers as kuya is more independent now compared to this little tot. But then, it takes a toll on the bunso as he has no one to play with especially with the current environment. Kuya is already 12 years old and has no interest in playing with a toddler. This toddler is more often than not, left with his own devices to entertain himself. Thus, we showered him with whatever toy we can get our hands on. 

Happy Birthday, my little buchokoy! I love you so much!

Recruitment

I had an interesting conversation with my boss yesterday. We were discussion about the vacancies in my team and how I should talk to the interested parties who wants to join my division.

He mentioned that recruiting people is like being in Sales--I sell the position to them and what the job entails. However, not only do I have to sell the highlights but be open to them on the challenges that we face as well.

I've been handling people for more than half of my career and this is the first time that I'm actually actively looking for people to join my team. It's not easy as our job is not the usual productivity and operations-based tasks which I'm used to. It's very cerebral and people skills is a must. We have to do a lot of analysis and interpretation and we have to talk to numerous officers and executives to get or cascade the necessary information. 

It's exhausting but fulfilling. I hope my team will have the same sense of gratification that I'm getting from this job. 

Two Princes

 

I recall watching Princes William and Harry grow up without their mother. I've always been a fan of the British royals and vaguely remember the wedding of Prince Charles and Princess Diana. I also grieved with the latter's family when she passed away after that tragic car accident. 

Back then, I always thought that William was more handsome. And when he got married to Kate, I remember rushing home so I can catch their wedding on TV. I also saw Harry as that child who did whatever he wanted--the "wild child", so to speak. 

Nowadays (and after watching The Crown), am beginning to see how difficult it is being part of the monarchy. I also understood why Prince Harry chose to step away and live in California with his family. Seeing him in this interview, he looked so happy and relaxed. But when I would see William in news clips, he seemed so staid and formal. I guess being a royal, you can never let your guard down and relax.

What struck me in the above interview was when he said he never walked away and if asked, he can always come back. He made that decision to protect his wife and family who have always been a target of the British press. Oh and it's so surreal that the queen gave them a waffle maker. :D 

   

Not

One can get hypnotized by Gong Yoo's voice especially when he reads poetry. He did a lot of this in his drama, Goblin / Guardian: The Lonely and Great God. 

During a variety show appearance, a clip was showed wherein he read the above poem's Korean translation. Even though it was not the original language, I was teary-eyed at the end. 

Blooper

I made an office related blooper earlier. It was a mistake made in front of numerous people and up to now, I can't shake it off. I know there are others who have it worse but nevertheless, I can't help but feel incompetent. 

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really fit for the job. Maybe I should do something else. Maybe I should take my mom's offer already. 

My confidence and self-esteem really took a blow today. I know I'll be able to shake it off soon. Will just be miserable for awhile. Not even my Kpop and Kdrama can get me off my slump.  

Stickers!

I've owned several laptops in my lifetime but this is the first time that I decorated one with stickers. 

I was inspired by Nam Do San of Start-up. His laptop was peppered with different stickers which somehow gave character to his machine. Though I know I won't have this computer forever, it still gives me joy when I look at it. 

It's a snapshot of stuff that I like--a mixture of Korean, Japanese and British pop culture. 

There's numerous KDrama and Kpop references--Start-up, Hospital Playlist, It's Okay not to be Okay, Crash Landing on You, Weightlifting Fairy. Park Seo Jun and his What's Wrong with Secretary Kim character, Kim Seon Ho and of course, Big Bang.

Sherlock is in there too and some Japanese anime characters. 

I wonder what else I should decorate. I still have lots of stickers left over. 

Park Bo Gum - 2018

My husband and I went on a JUNK trip to Seoul, South Korea. It was also the same year that I got addicted to Kdrama and he suggested that we visit Seoul.

I'll make another post about our trip but I need to tell the story first about this picture.

We were walking around out of the malls around Dongdaemun when we decided to ride one of the elevators at Doota Mall. When the doors opened, this life-sized picture of Park Bo-gum greeted me. 

I just grabbed onto my husband and held back a scream. I really thought it was him! It's just his image that's stuck on the elevator windows. 

Suffice to say, it was a very eventful ride going up. 

 

When My Asthma Attacks

 

After being dormant for the past 6 months, ay asthma decided to resurface last week. Since I had no idea if my meds were still updated, I scheduled an appointment with my pulmo. I was prescribed a bevy of drugs which would hopefully control the attacks. 

I thought I outgrew this but the allergies came out full force during my second pregnancy, including my asthma. Not only did I have to see my OB and my endo but my pulmo as well. It's frustrating that my body became sensitive to stuff which I usually ignore--like dust and my favorite food--mangoes. Either would trigger a round of coughing and wheezing. 

There's also the matter of cost. The above meds cost me around P7+K. I have to nebulize two types of meds and one of them costs P200 each! And I have to nebulize 3x/day. Out of all of these, it's the Zykast I hate the most as it makes me groggy the next day (side effect of antihistamines).

I've tried essential oils but I can't seem to find the right mix yet. Maybe one of these days, I'll find one that will be able to control the attacks. 

Awful Week

It has been an awful week. I've had worse but this is just one of those weeks that makes me crave for alcohol. 

I hate arguing and being at odds with other people. I almost ended the day with a negative thought about a co-worker. But I knew I wouldn't be able to enjoy my weekend with having that hanging over my head. So I read her message and wrote back a consolatory note. I acknowledged her message and apologized as we can't do what they've asked. I could've argued further but I ended it by wishing her a happy weekend and for us to rest. We can continue our argument on Monday.

In the meantime, my kdramas are waiting for me. 

Oh, and my asthma is also acting up. I've forgotten that February is that start of asthma season. I managed to snare a teleconsult schedule with my pulmo. She managed my asthma before when I was pregnant and hopefully, I can live with this without too much suffering the coming months. Something in our room is triggering my allergies. Funny though that I haven't suffered an attack from the months of July to January but it's now starting all over again. Six months of bliss versus six months of hell. Quite a cycle but then, we can't always have good things happen to us.

 

What To Do This 2021

I haven't made resolutions for the longest time as I rarely meet my own expectations but after 2020, I think it's time I set goals for myself.

First of all, I seriously want to pursue my Korean language lessons. I already have the books and everything but I'm just too lazy to do so on my own--especially when I hit a difficult portion. I guess my learning style is that I need someone to teach me vs teaching myself. More often than not, I get stuck at the particles and markers that I end up quitting. To think I bought some Korean children books as well so I can practice reading grade school level books. 

Last night, while waiting for the New Year, I watched the KBS Drama Awards live. I had a difficult time figuring things out as I was using context clues and I had to slowly read the captions. Took time for me to read Deurama as Drama. Next year, I hope to be able to watch the live streams without struggling. 

Next, hopefully, we can travel this year as I really need to visit my mom and sister in the US. Too many things have happened there especially with my sister being diagnosed with breast cancer and my mom and stepdad contracting COVID. I want to see and hug them both.

Third, I'm seriously considering continuing my bakery business. Will be doing some changes in my line-up next year. I'll certainly retain my Korean breads but might change the others. Or will be offering them at different dates. I haven't really thought about it but will definitely refine my operations. 

Fourth, be more patient with my kids. I want to develop my relationship with my eldest child who will turn 12 later this month. I can't believe I have a teenager already and I'm already having problems relating with him. He's always cranky (he takes after his dad) and I miss the sweet boy that he was before. 

Fifth, watch at least 50 Kdramas this year. I usually don't set a target but this year, I want to achieve that. 

Hwaiting!