Sunday, November 27, 2022

Sidelines

It happened again. 

Once again, I was left out from the list of people who were invited to an event. I know I was invited as I received the official notice but when they did another round, I was omitted from the list.

I clarified that I was invited and that I should go. But then, I was forgotten once again. It hurt a lot because it's not the first time it happened. All of the people were there except for me. Hay naku. I give up to think I've reminded and requested so many times. I know where I'm not wanted.

Tuesday, October 18, 2022

Left Out

I'm used to being left out. Happens even to my own family--where people sometimes "forget" to invite me to some gathering and I only get to hear or know about it when somebody tells me or I see pictures of the event. 

I should be used to it. 

But it still hurts sometimes when I see pictures of events where I'm not invited to but I see people whom I know is there. Makes me think that there's something wrong with me. Or maybe I'm not an exciting or pleasant person to be around. 

I am used to it. 

That I've learned to shut the world out and keep everything to myself. I've learned to "get over" things because I can't seem to open up to people to way I used to; that I can never find a place where I "truly belong".

Should I get used to it?

No? Maybe? Perhaps? Yes? I don't know. The best that I can do now is to acknowledge my feelings and accept the fact that I cannot please everyone and that there will be people out there who will not like me. Maybe because they're just reacting to how I treat them or how I project to the world. I can be aloof and I can be clueless sometimes. Maybe this was just how I coped. 

This is me.

So I guess I just have to live with the version of me and strive to be better and not let these things affect me. I know my worth and I know whose approval and acceptance are important to me. 

They are still my family. They are still my friends. I am still me. I guess I just know where I stand and I am mature enough to acknowledge that. 

Life goes on. And so must I. 

Monday, August 15, 2022

Disconnected

I thought that I was fine being myself when I partially disconnected myself from the world--a by-product of the pandemic in the last 2 years. 

Being an original introvert, I had no problems doing things by myself, whether that would involve eating at a restaurant, going to the mall, travelling and what have you. I only relied on myself and thought that I'm capable and strong enough.

But I feel something is wrong. 

I've lost the ability to feel, like, I'm resigned to a fate where the outcome is something that I do not want. Simply put, I've lost hope.

I began to feel this way ever since the election results came out last May 9. Some would say that it's just politics and life goes on. But I can't just bring myself to live in a world where the people who I trust to run my government lies to my face and gaslights me into thinking that everything is fine and dandy. Worse, is when people get away from twisting the truth into their favor. 

Hopefully, I can snap out of this soon. 


Sunday, May 22, 2022

Why Me?

I had a nice after-work drink with my boss and colleagues last week.

When talk turned to work and how much we're cleaning stuff, I asked him why he got me for the role. His straight answer was, "Hindi ka kasi natatakot mahirapan." (You're not afraid of hardship)

That made me reflect on myself. 

I take it that I'm not afraid of hard work and that I can handle anything that's thrown at me. At the same time, I'm thinking whether I'm a sucker for punishment. 

The past 6 months at my new job was not exactly a walk in the park. There were so many late nights literally burning the midnight oil as there were so many things that I had to do as my unit was literally a hodge-podge of everything. 

Amazingly, I'm not complaining. I guess my boss knows how to challenge me. Suffice to say, the job satisfaction that I've been looking for the past 25 years, I found it now. 

Friday, April 01, 2022

Belt Tightening

I just found out about my youngest son's tuition yesterday. Good thing my husband asked me to sit down first before showing me the list of tuitions and fees.

I haven't publicly shared it but B2 was diagnosed with Autism, as such, the need for therapies and special education.

Since he can't go to a mainstream school, we had to put him in SPED. Fortunately, we found a SPED school within the village but I was taken aback by the price. I initially balked but my husband pushed that we should go for it since it's for the education of our child. Nevertheless, I still can't get over my shock. 

Looks like there will be a LOT of belt-tightening this year. Should seriously push to declutter. Sigh. 

Tuesday, March 22, 2022

Midnight Oil

Ever since I started my new job, I haven't seriously watched a new Kdrama. I would watch the one-time drops and maybe a few movies, but looking at my list, nothing new.

I'm not sure if it's because of my working schedule. I work longer hours compared to my previous job but I'm happier and more challenged. I'm literally out of my comfort zone and still trying to grasp the concepts of what I'm doing.

Granted that my boss literally plucked me from my previous company and placed me here, I know I can't fully depend on him to teach me on what to do. I had to learn things by myself and find my own answers. Or maybe because I thrive on the way he teaches. 

I'm the type who learns from experience and my task involves writing multiple papers. I've experienced submitting three papers and all of them returned to me with major overhauls. I'm used to it by now but I hope the time will come when he immediately approves what I send. I would feel dejected when that happens but I would pull myself up and re-do what he asked me to do. 

Going back to why I brought up my Kdramas. I'd usually watch them during my free time but I would turn off my laptop earliest at 9PM while last night, I was working until midnight. During weekends, I would rather sleep or go out with my family. Also, for some reason, no drama would appeal to me. Maybe because I'm looking for something grittier or darker? 

Anyway, still working from home today. Prefer the peace and quiet here so I can write properly. Sigh. 

Monday, March 21, 2022

https://bagong.pagasa.dost.gov.ph/climate/climate-heat-index


I usually start the day by writing in my journal, but I left it in the office as I requested to only work from home 3x/ this week. Fortunately, I was granted permission considering the atrocious gas prices these days. 

Summer has officially began and I could feel it in the afternoons. I've forgotten how hot it is and since our bedroom is located at the second floor, it can get uncomfortably warm in the evening (hot air goes up etc etc). For the first time in months (and ever since I set up the AI in our bedroom), I brought the aircon temp down to 21 with high fan. If this was during the cold months and that kind of aircon temp, we'd be bundled up in sheets and a comforter. But nowadays, we're comfortable enough with a thin blanket. 

Mondays are so hard. It's difficult to jumpstart my brain to start working as it refuses to leave the relaxed state it's in. No wonder people detest Monday meetings. I *should* start working now. *sigh sigh sigh*