Where Do We Go From Here?

The past 2 years have been brutal.

In 2023, my youngest was hospitalized for a month and we almost lost him to an auto-immune disease.

In 2024, I learned how awful office politics can be and later in the year, I lost my dad.

This year is almost over and I hope to end it with a bang as I celebrate my 50th.

Fortunately, this year has been kinder but work was rough. I had to learn to stand on my own and to fight for myself. It has been brutal and I need to make some choices fast. Hopefully, this upcoming JUNK Trip with my husband will help me clear my head and make that decision.

One thing's for sure, I'm not the same person that I was 3 years ago. I'm more pessimistic now and a bit sad. I miss my work friends and my real friends -- those who will not betray me or if they know I'll get in trouble, they will give me a heads up.

My heart has taken a beating and I grieve for the innocent me. 

Balance

Ever since the year started, I resolved to go home early and I've been doing that religiously. 

In previous years, I wouldn't dream of going home at 5PM as it's the only time I'm able to read through e-mails. But I strived to leave the office at 5PM and I'm now enjoying my KDramas and K Varieties once again. It's somehow better for my mental health and avoid the toxicity of some people. 

January is over and I managed to go through 3 KDramas and I'm now on my 5th! I don't aim to reach my 50 KDrama goal but at least do better than last year where I only managed to finish 15!

Goodbye

My father passed away in the early morning hours of Tuesday, November 12, 2024. He died peacefully in his sleep, just the way he wanted it.

Prior to that, he was heavily on pain meds due to his prostrate cancer that metastasized to his bones and other parts of his body. It was not only painful for him, but for his family who had to witness his pain.

If there's one thing that the past months have taught me, is to prioritize my health. As someone who has these deadly illnesses in our family blood, I might have to face it sooner in my life. But I'd rather avoid it or at least catch it early on, thus the frequent check-ups with my various doctors. Fortunately, they all spit me out with a clean bill of health in my latest check-up.

I'm not only saying goodbye to my dad in this post but for this 2024 as well. I thought 2023 was terrible, but this year has proven to be the worst in my whole life. I pray that I won't have to encounter any year like this one, for the rest of my life.

Not only did I have to face the awful side of office politics, but death in our family as well. During those dark days, I had only my faith to cling to and that eventually, all things will come to pass. And it did. 

I came out stronger and wiser though I'm not sure if the cost that I had to pay was worth it. My mental health took a beating and I had to resort to seeing a psychiatrist to help me get through it. 

Now, I feel that I have this line that anyone outside cannot cross. It is something that I need in order to protect myself because I feel if I let someone in and something happened which I cannot control, I won't be able to survive the outcome. 

I know that I've changed a lot in the past years or so. I grew up fast and my heart certainly broke so much. I might be more jaded now and have lost most of my optimism but I'll know I'll be better and that I'll survive. 

There's a part of me that hopes that I'll still retain my sunny and positive outlook in life -- the side of me that endeared me to many people. Maybe someday, I'll get it back but I'll spend the rest of the holidays to heal and to find myself. And hopefully, make peace with the new version of myself--how good or bad it may be.

With that said, Merry Christmas everyone and hope that you'll be able to find the true meaning of this holiday season. May you be able to spend it with your loved ones without the toxicity that family gatherings can sometimes bring. May you be able to forgive past hurts and live with the thought that there are some hurts that takes time to heal while others takes just a simple "sorry". 

Whatever you decide to spend it, may your hearts be merry and may your days be bright. 

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

When is "Enough"?

During one of my sessions, my therapist asked me, "When is enough, enough?"

That question caught me off guard.

I mentioned that I don't want to quit especially when the going gets tough. I don't want to quit especially when I know I'm needed the most. I don't want to quit because I don't want to be known as a quitter.

She left it alone as long as I find ways to destress.

I thought the matter was resolved but it was brought up again by another person. 

Maybe I should seriously start finding the answer to that question.

Office Politics

My work is already brutal but what makes it worse is the people around me. 

An incident of monumental proportions happened at the office which was perpetuated by some people. I can't go into details but let's just say that I'm being brought into it when I had  no idea what they were doing. I was being implicated by an e-mail wherein the objective was not meant to support their nefarious activities and even if you read it, it had no indication of that. 

Even if the higher ups asked for an incident report, they already know who was responsible. I can't help but be amused when the people responsible were preparing the incident report was they kept on implicating me when in reality, they bypassed me for several months.  

I already had an idea what they were doing as they were mumbling and whispering in their cubicle over the incident report. I'm just blessed that the person who needs to submit that report refuses to believe the crap they wrote down and even messaged me about it. I'm blessed that I have other people around me who still have the right morals and even praised me for being so nice. 

I guess that would be my detriment. I'm still "nice" to the people who are backstabbing me. My thought is that I still have to do my work even if I hate them. I have to approach them and talk to them but nothing much I can do if they still choose to make me look like the bad guy. 

My other colleagues who are familiar with my responsibilities and what we do sympathize with me, especially my team. We shed blood and tears and render sleepless nights in order to deliver the things that they need yet vilify us and won't take responsibility for their actions.

That's another thing that pisses me off. 

I love my job and what I do. For the first time in my career, I might resign because I can't take the people that I work with. I'm only staying because I still believe in my boss and his leadership and that he needs me more than ever. But I know at some point, I have to take care of my mental health and I will definitely cross the bridge when I get there. 

Color

After a year, I had my hair dyed again. 

The state of my hair usually did not bother me. However, seeing all those white hair adorning my head is reminding me of the incidents why I got them in the first place.

I noticed that when I get stressed out, aka, worried, they all come out in full force. It reached the point that even my eyebrows are sprouting white hair. 

That's why my first main agenda when I went on block leave was to have my locks colored. It was liberating, of some sort--like a clean slate.  Also had a cut as well, to stave off those unruly curls. 

Next on the agenda, is to visit my dad. 

Block Leave

I've been taking block leaves (vacation leave for at least 5 days--10 days for other companies) ever since I started working for banks but this is the first time in ages that I get to post about it.

I remember that in my early days of working, I would look forward to these days as it would be time for me to destress and do some self-care stuff. But for the past several years, it just meant that I can work from home (even when I was in the US, I was still working!).

For this year's block leave, I ensured to schedule an out-of-the-country trip with my eldest so we can bond. It will also force me to "disconnect" from work which I really need to do badly to regain my peace of mind. 

Work has consumed me a lot ever since I joined my current employment--not that I'm complaining. I had to prioritize things, that's why blogging, which I used to prolifically do in the past, took a back seat.  

Whenever I'm on break, I'd do things such as:

1. Spend time with kids.

2. Self care: 

    a. Watch KDramas or whatever series that I'm hooked on (come think of it, I also haven't updated my Kdrama blog in a long time)

    b. Go to the salon or have a massage

    c. Go window shopping

2. Clean

3. Bake or make kimchi

Half-Year

Half of 2024 is almost over yet I haven't written anything here yet. 

This 2024 is very challenging for my family. From the back-to-back hospitalization of my father to issues at work. I can't seem to catch a break.

Probably the highlight of this year is career-wise, my horoscope seemed to have come true. Not that I'm happy about it but it was a reward of some sort. A reward which I'm not sure I like but it is what it is.

I'm looking forward to the mother-son trip with my eldest. It'll just be us two and I'm looking forward to getting to know my son more. 

Quarantine

During the pandemic, I never experienced being quarantined as the time that I had COVID, it was during the Omicron phase and almost the whole household had it. Two years after, I managed to catch the dreaded virus but asymptomatic. Nevertheless, I had to isolate myself to ensure that those with comorbidities don't catch it.

It just sucks that I had to test positive, 3 days before Christmas and quarantine is for 5 days. This means that I'll be missing the Christmas festivities--lunch with my dad on Christmas Eve and lunch with my husband's extended family on Christmas Day. Not to mention missing the Misa de Gallo at 430AM--which was my pledge to finish to give thanks for my son's healing.

I tested myself as two of my team members tested positive. The first one tested last Monday but the day after, I didn't feel any symptoms so I didn't test. But on Friday morning, my other team member confirmed that she has it so I had no choice but to check. Lo and behold, two lines. It wasn't the same excitement that I felt when I also saw two lines years ago (e.g. pregnancy tests).

I was in the office then so I was quickly sent home and I ensconced myself in our room. Hubby had no choice but to set up a bed in his home office and the kids can't go near me. 

I'm pretty optimistic about this though. I've been running myself ragged the past few weeks with all the parties, office deliverables and what have you. Hopefully, I can spend the time sleeping or watching my pending KDramas or cleaning our room. I'm also praying that I don't develop any symptoms and remain asymptomatic.

Before my youngest got sick, we planned this to be an unforgettable Christmas as we were supposed to fly for the US last Dec. 18 and spend Christmas with my mom and my siblings. It will still be a Christmas to remember as for the first time, I'll be spending it all by myself (cue Celine Dion's song).

So for all what's worth, Happy Holidays, everyone! And may your celebrations be virus-free!

Crossroads

My family went through a lifechanging ordeal recently. 

My youngest was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease--Anti-NMDAReceptor Encephalitis. It started with the seizure episode and it went downhill from there. As per tagged website, symptoms are as follows:

At onset, the most distinctive features include prominent and mixed psychiatric symptoms, seizures, confusion and memory loss. The psychiatric features often include bizarre and rather disturbing behaviours with mood changes, and patients are often initially looked after in mental health hospitals. They may see things which aren’t there, develop strange beliefs or appear agitated. After this, often 10 to 20 days later, patients develop a movement disorder, variations in blood pressure, heart rate and temperature and lose awareness. The movement disorder often consists of continuous writhing and twitching of face and limbs but can also be a generalised slowing-down of movements. Most patients develop several of these features, but very rarely individual patients may experience only a few of these features.

Seeing my son go through all of these was very traumatic. I felt so helpless that I couldn't do anything to help him except rely on his doctors to help him get well.

We spent 23 days at the Asian Hospital and it was 23 days of torture. It took 2 weeks for his illness to be diagnosed and another week or so of treatments. 

We were able to bring my son home but the road to recovery is long and arduous. He basically went through the whole gamut of symptoms and when we were discharged, he was on a wheelchair and could not eat or do things by himself. From the lively, active boy, he basically became an invalid who depended on us 100%.

I rely on the proven fact that recovery is imminent but we would have to be patient as it can take as long as 2 years. I've read so many testimonies of children getting better and resuming their old lives. I can't wait for that time to come as my heart breaks everytime I see my child being the way he is right now.

Now, I have to struggle with my own conundrum and make more decisions.

I've posted previously about my job which I love. However, it entails long hours and much of my energy. I'm lucky that the past two days I've returned to the office, the people I needed to talk to were away for an offsite meeting so I was able to go home earlier than usual and spend time with my sons (my eldest is also sick so I had to tend to him as well). A few months back, I was asked if I wanted to take on one of the units which my boss had problems with. But that would entail giving up my current job and moving to that team which my boss did not want me to do as he wants me to stay put. Now I'm seriously thinking of pushing it.

The new role is actually what I used to do in my previous job. The main reason why I'm seriously eyeing it now is that it's relatively light and based on what I've observed, not as heavy as my current role. Though how much I love my boss and what I do, my family comes first. 

Let's see. I'll check how I am in a week's time and if this feeling persists then will push for the move.

In the meantime, please pray for the recovery of my son.

Parenting a Child with Autism and Seizure Disorders

My youngest son was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, Moderate – with Receptive and Expressive Language Delay (DSM-V code: 299.01) two years ago. I can still remember sitting in the doctor's office and the devped breaking the news to us. Though I had my suspicions, it's still different having them confirmed. 

We got a full-time caregiver for him as I work long hours. I'm thankful that my husband arranges for all the therapies and school requirements. I just show up at the PTC or school activity when asked.

It doesn't mean that I don't know how to take care of my son. 

Everytime his yaya goes on her day-off, I take care of him--whether to feed him or bathe him. I thought we had a system going on until an event took us by surprise just this weekend.

We were having a quiet morning at the grocery one Saturday. I was going around getting our essentials while my son was in another cart. Like always, he had a Tide bar in his hand as he likes the smell. However, I was surprised when I saw him covered with vomit as apparently he threw up. We thought he bit into the detergent bar. So his caregiver took him to the restroom to get him cleaned up. 

A few minutes later, she called me saying that my son looks a bit weak and that we should go home. When I saw them, he could barely lift his head and we carried him back to the car. However, I became concerned when he was unresponsive even if his eyes were open. We then decided to bring him to the ER which was fortunately, just across the mall.

Upon arriving, the guards had to help me carry him inside. When the nurses saw him, they immediately called out, "Seizure", and quickly rushed him to critical care. It was then that I broke down. 

I saw him hooked into whatever machine to monitor his vital signs and an IV was also inserted. In regular days, he would've cried loudly but in that case, there was no reaction whatsoever. I sat down with him and kept on calling him but no response--just wide open and twitching eyes. 

The ER was able to contact our pedia and upon seeing his eyes, we were referred to a neuro pedia who had him sedated. It was a long hour where I alternated between crying, talking to him and praying. I knew he was waking up when he began moving on his own. He said, "help me", when he saw all the things on him and vomited again--probably due to the meds. 

It took 4 nurses to get him cleaned up and transferred to another bed and he slept his natural sleep. From the ER, we were transferred to a regular room where the neuro pedia saw us and an EEG was performed. 

Fortunately, we were discharged a day later armed with lots of information about seizure and anti-seizure meds. 

Seeing my son go through that is just a traumatizing experience. We were told that it's not something to be too worried about as long as we manage the seizures--meaning keeping him safe and that someone should be with him 24/7.

Regardless of the doctor's assurances, I can't help but worry. When my son was diagnosed with ASD, we got him into therapy which would help him to become an independent and contributing member to society. But this impairment is one roadblock which we're not prepared to handle yet. 

I know we'll get through this and that our son will power through. We'll just take it one day at a time. 

My First Tooth Extraction

I'm nearing my 50s and it's only now that I experienced getting a tooth extracted.

The tooth in question was my front right molar which was actually root canaled more than 15 years ago. The tooth finally fractured a couple of Fridays ago. Unfortunately, my dentists aka my sister and brother-in-law have migrated abroad so I had to look for somebody local. I managed to snag an appointment at Affinity Dental Clinics here at Alabang. 

I was very early for my appointment though I assured the receptionist that I was willing to wait. When it was my turn, I was handed a hairnet and lead to a dentist chair by a very kind Dr. Matabuena. She did an initial  examination and said that I already have an infection as manifested by a pimple on my gum. She had an x-ray done and they confirmed the infection and that my tooth was already fractured thus the extraction recommendation.

After drinking a week's worth of antibiotics, I returned to the clinic and I ensured I arrived a few minutes before my schedule. 

The procedure did not take long (barely an hour). I didn't know if they injected me with a calming thing other than the anesthesia but I was too undisturbed considering I just had a tooth extracted and I even saw the tooth (I was tempted to post it here but am now sure how to hide it).

I'm now recovering from the after-effects. When the anesthesia wore of yesterday, I could feel the pain. It wasn't as excruciating as I thought (try suffering through a caesarean birth then you'll know what pain is) but still bothersome that I could only lie down the rest of the day.

I was given three options post-surgery, well four but only considering three:

1. Dental implants which will cost probably the same as my son's tuition fee;

2. Crown or bridge

3. Dentures

The fourth is to just let it be but I won't rest easy knowing and feeling there's a hole between my teeth. 

Going for option 3. 

Be Comfortable with the Uncomfortable

 

When I'm asked by people nowadays, I always say that I'm very happy with where I am and what I do right now in terms of work. It's the hardest job I've ever done and I don't think I've worked and used my brain this much in my entire life. 

I'm also asked why I'm happy. It's because I know that I'm needed and that I am always and I mean ALWAYS appreciated and acknowledged. It's embarrassing sometimes but my boss sang me praises in front of our vendors and other senior leaders have also thanked me publicly for the work that I have done. 

I work almost 12 hours every day and not counting the time I spend to go to work and go home. I have to talk to numerous people and write countless papers where the drafts sometimes gets overhauled by my boss. I meet people inside and outside the office so I can put together the programs that the business needs. 

Regardless of the hardships, I'm still happy and fulfilled. I'm also thankful to my boss as he saw the potential in me. He did not lock me into a role based on my past skillsets but he saw that I'm capable of more things beyond of what I did. For that, I owe him my undying loyalty and I made that pledge to him while walking to a meeting. 

I still have so many things to do and I hope I will be privileged enough to see all of them through. 

Good Fit

I consider myself as a good boss. In my previous couple of jobs, I managed to promote people and make their lives easier. I would think that up to now, my former team still hold me in high regard. Whenever people would leave, I let them go with light hearts because I know that I've given them what I can and it would give me more opportunities to develop other talents.

With my new job however, it's so difficult to find people with the skillset that I need. In the year and a half that I've been with my new employer, I've had one person leave me and looks like another person in the way. According to them, it's the pay. It may be possible that whatever they do is not commensurate to the pay that they're getting. I beg to differ though. I guess I'm just not finding the right set of people.

Since this is a new department and role that was created, it's difficult to really pin down the talent that I need. I need someone who can write well and has an analytical mind. One who can also argue and not afraid to talk to people. Since my background is operations, I know I cannot get someone from my old team so it's either I get someone from within or someone who already has the background on the products that I manage.

I can feel myself panicking once again as it looks like I'll be working longer hours than usual once again to take up the slack. 

Sidelines

It happened again. 

Once again, I was left out from the list of people who were invited to an event. I know I was invited as I received the official notice but when they did another round, I was omitted from the list.

I clarified that I was invited and that I should go. But then, I was forgotten once again. It hurt a lot because it's not the first time it happened. All of the people were there except for me. Hay naku. I give up to think I've reminded and requested so many times. I know where I'm not wanted.

Left Out

I'm used to being left out. Happens even to my own family--where people sometimes "forget" to invite me to some gathering and I only get to hear or know about it when somebody tells me or I see pictures of the event. 

I should be used to it. 

But it still hurts sometimes when I see pictures of events where I'm not invited to but I see people whom I know is there. Makes me think that there's something wrong with me. Or maybe I'm not an exciting or pleasant person to be around. 

I am used to it. 

That I've learned to shut the world out and keep everything to myself. I've learned to "get over" things because I can't seem to open up to people to way I used to; that I can never find a place where I "truly belong".

Should I get used to it?

No? Maybe? Perhaps? Yes? I don't know. The best that I can do now is to acknowledge my feelings and accept the fact that I cannot please everyone and that there will be people out there who will not like me. Maybe because they're just reacting to how I treat them or how I project to the world. I can be aloof and I can be clueless sometimes. Maybe this was just how I coped. 

This is me.

So I guess I just have to live with the version of me and strive to be better and not let these things affect me. I know my worth and I know whose approval and acceptance are important to me. 

They are still my family. They are still my friends. I am still me. I guess I just know where I stand and I am mature enough to acknowledge that. 

Life goes on. And so must I. 

Disconnected

I thought that I was fine being myself when I partially disconnected myself from the world--a by-product of the pandemic in the last 2 years. 

Being an original introvert, I had no problems doing things by myself, whether that would involve eating at a restaurant, going to the mall, travelling and what have you. I only relied on myself and thought that I'm capable and strong enough.

But I feel something is wrong. 

I've lost the ability to feel, like, I'm resigned to a fate where the outcome is something that I do not want. Simply put, I've lost hope.

I began to feel this way ever since the election results came out last May 9. Some would say that it's just politics and life goes on. But I can't just bring myself to live in a world where the people who I trust to run my government lies to my face and gaslights me into thinking that everything is fine and dandy. Worse, is when people get away from twisting the truth into their favor. 

Hopefully, I can snap out of this soon. 

Why Me?

I had a nice after-work drink with my boss and colleagues last week.

When talk turned to work and how much we're cleaning stuff, I asked him why he got me for the role. His straight answer was, "Hindi ka kasi natatakot mahirapan." (You're not afraid of hardship)

That made me reflect on myself. 

I take it that I'm not afraid of hard work and that I can handle anything that's thrown at me. At the same time, I'm thinking whether I'm a sucker for punishment. 

The past 6 months at my new job was not exactly a walk in the park. There were so many late nights literally burning the midnight oil as there were so many things that I had to do as my unit was literally a hodge-podge of everything. 

Amazingly, I'm not complaining. I guess my boss knows how to challenge me. Suffice to say, the job satisfaction that I've been looking for the past 25 years, I found it now. 

Belt Tightening

I just found out about my youngest son's tuition yesterday. Good thing my husband asked me to sit down first before showing me the list of tuitions and fees.

I haven't publicly shared it but B2 was diagnosed with Autism, as such, the need for therapies and special education.

Since he can't go to a mainstream school, we had to put him in SPED. Fortunately, we found a SPED school within the village but I was taken aback by the price. I initially balked but my husband pushed that we should go for it since it's for the education of our child. Nevertheless, I still can't get over my shock. 

Looks like there will be a LOT of belt-tightening this year. Should seriously push to declutter. Sigh. 

Midnight Oil

Ever since I started my new job, I haven't seriously watched a new Kdrama. I would watch the one-time drops and maybe a few movies, but looking at my list, nothing new.

I'm not sure if it's because of my working schedule. I work longer hours compared to my previous job but I'm happier and more challenged. I'm literally out of my comfort zone and still trying to grasp the concepts of what I'm doing.

Granted that my boss literally plucked me from my previous company and placed me here, I know I can't fully depend on him to teach me on what to do. I had to learn things by myself and find my own answers. Or maybe because I thrive on the way he teaches. 

I'm the type who learns from experience and my task involves writing multiple papers. I've experienced submitting three papers and all of them returned to me with major overhauls. I'm used to it by now but I hope the time will come when he immediately approves what I send. I would feel dejected when that happens but I would pull myself up and re-do what he asked me to do. 

Going back to why I brought up my Kdramas. I'd usually watch them during my free time but I would turn off my laptop earliest at 9PM while last night, I was working until midnight. During weekends, I would rather sleep or go out with my family. Also, for some reason, no drama would appeal to me. Maybe because I'm looking for something grittier or darker? 

Anyway, still working from home today. Prefer the peace and quiet here so I can write properly. Sigh.