Be Comfortable with the Uncomfortable

 

When I'm asked by people nowadays, I always say that I'm very happy with where I am and what I do right now in terms of work. It's the hardest job I've ever done and I don't think I've worked and used my brain this much in my entire life. 

I'm also asked why I'm happy. It's because I know that I'm needed and that I am always and I mean ALWAYS appreciated and acknowledged. It's embarrassing sometimes but my boss sang me praises in front of our vendors and other senior leaders have also thanked me publicly for the work that I have done. 

I work almost 12 hours every day and not counting the time I spend to go to work and go home. I have to talk to numerous people and write countless papers where the drafts sometimes gets overhauled by my boss. I meet people inside and outside the office so I can put together the programs that the business needs. 

Regardless of the hardships, I'm still happy and fulfilled. I'm also thankful to my boss as he saw the potential in me. He did not lock me into a role based on my past skillsets but he saw that I'm capable of more things beyond of what I did. For that, I owe him my undying loyalty and I made that pledge to him while walking to a meeting. 

I still have so many things to do and I hope I will be privileged enough to see all of them through. 

Good Fit

I consider myself as a good boss. In my previous couple of jobs, I managed to promote people and make their lives easier. I would think that up to now, my former team still hold me in high regard. Whenever people would leave, I let them go with light hearts because I know that I've given them what I can and it would give me more opportunities to develop other talents.

With my new job however, it's so difficult to find people with the skillset that I need. In the year and a half that I've been with my new employer, I've had one person leave me and looks like another person in the way. According to them, it's the pay. It may be possible that whatever they do is not commensurate to the pay that they're getting. I beg to differ though. I guess I'm just not finding the right set of people.

Since this is a new department and role that was created, it's difficult to really pin down the talent that I need. I need someone who can write well and has an analytical mind. One who can also argue and not afraid to talk to people. Since my background is operations, I know I cannot get someone from my old team so it's either I get someone from within or someone who already has the background on the products that I manage.

I can feel myself panicking once again as it looks like I'll be working longer hours than usual once again to take up the slack. 

Sidelines

It happened again. 

Once again, I was left out from the list of people who were invited to an event. I know I was invited as I received the official notice but when they did another round, I was omitted from the list.

I clarified that I was invited and that I should go. But then, I was forgotten once again. It hurt a lot because it's not the first time it happened. All of the people were there except for me. Hay naku. I give up to think I've reminded and requested so many times. I know where I'm not wanted.

Left Out

I'm used to being left out. Happens even to my own family--where people sometimes "forget" to invite me to some gathering and I only get to hear or know about it when somebody tells me or I see pictures of the event. 

I should be used to it. 

But it still hurts sometimes when I see pictures of events where I'm not invited to but I see people whom I know is there. Makes me think that there's something wrong with me. Or maybe I'm not an exciting or pleasant person to be around. 

I am used to it. 

That I've learned to shut the world out and keep everything to myself. I've learned to "get over" things because I can't seem to open up to people to way I used to; that I can never find a place where I "truly belong".

Should I get used to it?

No? Maybe? Perhaps? Yes? I don't know. The best that I can do now is to acknowledge my feelings and accept the fact that I cannot please everyone and that there will be people out there who will not like me. Maybe because they're just reacting to how I treat them or how I project to the world. I can be aloof and I can be clueless sometimes. Maybe this was just how I coped. 

This is me.

So I guess I just have to live with the version of me and strive to be better and not let these things affect me. I know my worth and I know whose approval and acceptance are important to me. 

They are still my family. They are still my friends. I am still me. I guess I just know where I stand and I am mature enough to acknowledge that. 

Life goes on. And so must I. 

Disconnected

I thought that I was fine being myself when I partially disconnected myself from the world--a by-product of the pandemic in the last 2 years. 

Being an original introvert, I had no problems doing things by myself, whether that would involve eating at a restaurant, going to the mall, travelling and what have you. I only relied on myself and thought that I'm capable and strong enough.

But I feel something is wrong. 

I've lost the ability to feel, like, I'm resigned to a fate where the outcome is something that I do not want. Simply put, I've lost hope.

I began to feel this way ever since the election results came out last May 9. Some would say that it's just politics and life goes on. But I can't just bring myself to live in a world where the people who I trust to run my government lies to my face and gaslights me into thinking that everything is fine and dandy. Worse, is when people get away from twisting the truth into their favor. 

Hopefully, I can snap out of this soon. 

Why Me?

I had a nice after-work drink with my boss and colleagues last week.

When talk turned to work and how much we're cleaning stuff, I asked him why he got me for the role. His straight answer was, "Hindi ka kasi natatakot mahirapan." (You're not afraid of hardship)

That made me reflect on myself. 

I take it that I'm not afraid of hard work and that I can handle anything that's thrown at me. At the same time, I'm thinking whether I'm a sucker for punishment. 

The past 6 months at my new job was not exactly a walk in the park. There were so many late nights literally burning the midnight oil as there were so many things that I had to do as my unit was literally a hodge-podge of everything. 

Amazingly, I'm not complaining. I guess my boss knows how to challenge me. Suffice to say, the job satisfaction that I've been looking for the past 25 years, I found it now. 

Belt Tightening

I just found out about my youngest son's tuition yesterday. Good thing my husband asked me to sit down first before showing me the list of tuitions and fees.

I haven't publicly shared it but B2 was diagnosed with Autism, as such, the need for therapies and special education.

Since he can't go to a mainstream school, we had to put him in SPED. Fortunately, we found a SPED school within the village but I was taken aback by the price. I initially balked but my husband pushed that we should go for it since it's for the education of our child. Nevertheless, I still can't get over my shock. 

Looks like there will be a LOT of belt-tightening this year. Should seriously push to declutter. Sigh.