Goodbye

My father passed away in the early morning hours of Tuesday, November 12, 2024. He died peacefully in his sleep, just the way he wanted it.

Prior to that, he was heavily on pain meds due to his prostrate cancer that metastasized to his bones and other parts of his body. It was not only painful for him, but for his family who had to witness his pain.

If there's one thing that the past months have taught me, is to prioritize my health. As someone who has these deadly illnesses in our family blood, I might have to face it sooner in my life. But I'd rather avoid it or at least catch it early on, thus the frequent check-ups with my various doctors. Fortunately, they all spit me out with a clean bill of health in my latest check-up.

I'm not only saying goodbye to my dad in this post but for this 2024 as well. I thought 2023 was terrible, but this year has proven to be the worst in my whole life. I pray that I won't have to encounter any year like this one, for the rest of my life.

Not only did I have to face the awful side of office politics, but death in our family as well. During those dark days, I had only my faith to cling to and that eventually, all things will come to pass. And it did. 

I came out stronger and wiser though I'm not sure if the cost that I had to pay was worth it. My mental health took a beating and I had to resort to seeing a psychiatrist to help me get through it. 

Now, I feel that I have this line that anyone outside cannot cross. It is something that I need in order to protect myself because I feel if I let someone in and something happened which I cannot control, I won't be able to survive the outcome. 

I know that I've changed a lot in the past years or so. I grew up fast and my heart certainly broke so much. I might be more jaded now and have lost most of my optimism but I'll know I'll be better and that I'll survive. 

There's a part of me that hopes that I'll still retain my sunny and positive outlook in life -- the side of me that endeared me to many people. Maybe someday, I'll get it back but I'll spend the rest of the holidays to heal and to find myself. And hopefully, make peace with the new version of myself--how good or bad it may be.

With that said, Merry Christmas everyone and hope that you'll be able to find the true meaning of this holiday season. May you be able to spend it with your loved ones without the toxicity that family gatherings can sometimes bring. May you be able to forgive past hurts and live with the thought that there are some hurts that takes time to heal while others takes just a simple "sorry". 

Whatever you decide to spend it, may your hearts be merry and may your days be bright. 

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

When is "Enough"?

During one of my sessions, my therapist asked me, "When is enough, enough?"

That question caught me off guard.

I mentioned that I don't want to quit especially when the going gets tough. I don't want to quit especially when I know I'm needed the most. I don't want to quit because I don't want to be known as a quitter.

She left it alone as long as I find ways to destress.

I thought the matter was resolved but it was brought up again by another person. 

Maybe I should seriously start finding the answer to that question.

Office Politics

My work is already brutal but what makes it worse is the people around me. 

An incident of monumental proportions happened at the office which was perpetuated by some people. I can't go into details but let's just say that I'm being brought into it when I had  no idea what they were doing. I was being implicated by an e-mail wherein the objective was not meant to support their nefarious activities and even if you read it, it had no indication of that. 

Even if the higher ups asked for an incident report, they already know who was responsible. I can't help but be amused when the people responsible were preparing the incident report was they kept on implicating me when in reality, they bypassed me for several months.  

I already had an idea what they were doing as they were mumbling and whispering in their cubicle over the incident report. I'm just blessed that the person who needs to submit that report refuses to believe the crap they wrote down and even messaged me about it. I'm blessed that I have other people around me who still have the right morals and even praised me for being so nice. 

I guess that would be my detriment. I'm still "nice" to the people who are backstabbing me. My thought is that I still have to do my work even if I hate them. I have to approach them and talk to them but nothing much I can do if they still choose to make me look like the bad guy. 

My other colleagues who are familiar with my responsibilities and what we do sympathize with me, especially my team. We shed blood and tears and render sleepless nights in order to deliver the things that they need yet vilify us and won't take responsibility for their actions.

That's another thing that pisses me off. 

I love my job and what I do. For the first time in my career, I might resign because I can't take the people that I work with. I'm only staying because I still believe in my boss and his leadership and that he needs me more than ever. But I know at some point, I have to take care of my mental health and I will definitely cross the bridge when I get there. 

Color

After a year, I had my hair dyed again. 

The state of my hair usually did not bother me. However, seeing all those white hair adorning my head is reminding me of the incidents why I got them in the first place.

I noticed that when I get stressed out, aka, worried, they all come out in full force. It reached the point that even my eyebrows are sprouting white hair. 

That's why my first main agenda when I went on block leave was to have my locks colored. It was liberating, of some sort--like a clean slate.  Also had a cut as well, to stave off those unruly curls. 

Next on the agenda, is to visit my dad. 

Block Leave

I've been taking block leaves (vacation leave for at least 5 days--10 days for other companies) ever since I started working for banks but this is the first time in ages that I get to post about it.

I remember that in my early days of working, I would look forward to these days as it would be time for me to destress and do some self-care stuff. But for the past several years, it just meant that I can work from home (even when I was in the US, I was still working!).

For this year's block leave, I ensured to schedule an out-of-the-country trip with my eldest so we can bond. It will also force me to "disconnect" from work which I really need to do badly to regain my peace of mind. 

Work has consumed me a lot ever since I joined my current employment--not that I'm complaining. I had to prioritize things, that's why blogging, which I used to prolifically do in the past, took a back seat.  

Whenever I'm on break, I'd do things such as:

1. Spend time with kids.

2. Self care: 

    a. Watch KDramas or whatever series that I'm hooked on (come think of it, I also haven't updated my Kdrama blog in a long time)

    b. Go to the salon or have a massage

    c. Go window shopping

2. Clean

3. Bake or make kimchi

Half-Year

Half of 2024 is almost over yet I haven't written anything here yet. 

This 2024 is very challenging for my family. From the back-to-back hospitalization of my father to issues at work. I can't seem to catch a break.

Probably the highlight of this year is career-wise, my horoscope seemed to have come true. Not that I'm happy about it but it was a reward of some sort. A reward which I'm not sure I like but it is what it is.

I'm looking forward to the mother-son trip with my eldest. It'll just be us two and I'm looking forward to getting to know my son more. 

Quarantine

During the pandemic, I never experienced being quarantined as the time that I had COVID, it was during the Omicron phase and almost the whole household had it. Two years after, I managed to catch the dreaded virus but asymptomatic. Nevertheless, I had to isolate myself to ensure that those with comorbidities don't catch it.

It just sucks that I had to test positive, 3 days before Christmas and quarantine is for 5 days. This means that I'll be missing the Christmas festivities--lunch with my dad on Christmas Eve and lunch with my husband's extended family on Christmas Day. Not to mention missing the Misa de Gallo at 430AM--which was my pledge to finish to give thanks for my son's healing.

I tested myself as two of my team members tested positive. The first one tested last Monday but the day after, I didn't feel any symptoms so I didn't test. But on Friday morning, my other team member confirmed that she has it so I had no choice but to check. Lo and behold, two lines. It wasn't the same excitement that I felt when I also saw two lines years ago (e.g. pregnancy tests).

I was in the office then so I was quickly sent home and I ensconced myself in our room. Hubby had no choice but to set up a bed in his home office and the kids can't go near me. 

I'm pretty optimistic about this though. I've been running myself ragged the past few weeks with all the parties, office deliverables and what have you. Hopefully, I can spend the time sleeping or watching my pending KDramas or cleaning our room. I'm also praying that I don't develop any symptoms and remain asymptomatic.

Before my youngest got sick, we planned this to be an unforgettable Christmas as we were supposed to fly for the US last Dec. 18 and spend Christmas with my mom and my siblings. It will still be a Christmas to remember as for the first time, I'll be spending it all by myself (cue Celine Dion's song).

So for all what's worth, Happy Holidays, everyone! And may your celebrations be virus-free!