Stressed

It has been quite some time since I was *THIS* stressed. I was hyperventilating this morning as the problems and issues kept on coming one after the other. I'm not sure why I'm like this when I usually just laugh such issues off. 

I'm starting to worry as it's beginning to affect my health already. I'm not sure if it's because of this WFH set-up or I'm lost my support system but I feel really vulnerable. Adding to my stress stew is my son who has some sort of eczema appearing all over his body. Its starting to worry me already. 

I diffused VALOR Essential Oil and smeared some drops of BELIEVE on my head and pulse points. Amazingly, it calmed me down and restored my optimistic outlook. I can't believe I was in such a dark place earlier. It was scary. 

I can go back to believing that we can overcome this and that this too shall pass.

Calm Before the Storm

Things have been "peaceful" the past week and I'm thinking that it's the calm before the storm. 

I'm nervous AF and I'm not sure how to allay this feeling. I know I did my best to prepare everyone but nevertheless, it does not stop nor address the uneasiness that seems to pervade my waking hours.

This is something that I really do not envision myself doing in the long term. I don't know. Maybe because it's the first time for me so it's a learning experience but if there's one thing that my colleague's death taught me, no job is worth the stress.

Stress is good, yes, but not to the point that it's robbing me of much needed sleep and rest. I've lost count of the nights that I wake up in cold sweat thinking of something that I might've missed.  There must be a balance somewhere. I'm hoping to find it someday before I'm forced to do something I'm not ready to do. 

Grief

How does one deal with grief? 

I had a difficult time last Thursday when we learned of the news. I found myself breaking down later that evening. I couldn't sleep and not even my Kdramas could soothe me. 

We held an online wake for you last Friday evening. It was a chance for us, his colleagues, to come together and share stories about him. Most couldn't speak as they were so overcome with emotion. Besides, it was the best that we can do considering the COVID situation. It sucks though as nothing would beat a physical hug for comfort.

I wanted to hug so many people that day--his family, his team members, his supervisors. Heck, I wish I could even hug myself (though my husband did that for me). Numerous people have already expressed their frustration with this epidemic and I add my voice to that count--not because of the curtailed freedom to go anywhere I want, but more of the freedom to express our sympathies the way we want them to.

It still hurts up to now and I can only imagine the pain of his family. 

One thing's for sure, even when we finally return to work, it will never be the same. 

Goodbye, Ernie

I hate it that this is our last photo together taken last December. I hate it that we never had a proper celebration or even a proper goodbye. An hour after we heard the news, I can't still process the thought that you're gone. 

I can still remember the time we first met. I recently joined the bank and I was looking for a new team leader for my department. Your resume landed in my inbox and though you had no experience with the product, I still hired you because I trusted my instincts. Plus, your answers to my Ms. Universe questions were beyond par. 

Over the years, you impressed me with your wit and how you managed to get things done the way I wanted them to be done. You've become my confidante--one who I've bounced ideas off and one who will never hesitate to speak his mind.  

And don't get me started on your generosity and the stories. We never seem to run out of them. 

It still amuses me that I started the trend of having people call you by your first name in the office when nobody outside of work knows you by that name. 

My heart goes out to your wife who I know you love so dearly. 

I have so many stories and so many encounters. But one thing's for sure. I will really really miss you, my friend. God bless. Until we meet again. 

Mother Tongue

I've always wondered why Koreans in their variety shows would say, "I'm bad in Korean" whenever they fail a game which involves a play in hangul. I'm like, "they're Korean! It's their mother tongue! How can they be bad at it?"

Just this morning, a friend asked for a Tagalog translation for a couple of English words. I was stumped and had to enlist the help of Google to find the proper terms. And when I did, I still had to struggle with the tenses. In the end, it was still not the appropriate translation.

So yes, I guess the nationality does not equate to being proficient of the language especially if it's not the mother tongue. Though I know Tagalog and can speak it, it's not same as my knowledge of the English language which I regularly use.

Of course, there's a part of me that's ashamed for not learning the language of my nation's forefathers but then, what would you expect if the education system is using English as it's medium of communication?