Codependence Day

These past few days have been a revelation for me. I learned a few painful lessons and I resolved to learn from all of these eye-openers which would hopefully, help me before it's too late.

Before I go into that, let me share with you these things: There are three kinds/stages of a relationship. Before a couple decides to become a couple, or even before they meet, they are two independent human beings (assuming of course that they did not come from other relationships).

Stage 1: Independence
An independent human being can survive on her own. She depends on herself for happiness and any other decision, which would affect her as a human being. When two people meet and there's a certain attraction, they decide to take their relationship further by dating (for other cases, they get married immediately without exploring each other's personalities. This may work for other people while others do not). At the start of the relationship, one might be dependent on the other, in a sense that one is "superior" to the other

Stage 2: Dependence
One would depend her happiness on the other's presence and/or decisions. she loses her sense of self since she identifies herself with the other person and not as an individual.

Stage 3: Codependence
The last kind/stage of a relationship is codependence. In this case, both people in the relationship are equally dependent on the other. I believe that this is what couples should strive for. Both should work for the success of their commitment to each other. A two way thing so to speak.

These reflections came out as a result of going through bouts of jealousy and insecurity. I found myself stuck in the second stage. I realized that I've forgotten 8 years worth of lessons on independence and have become dependent on someone. I do not mean being dependent with regards to basic needs, but in the emotional, psychological and even physiological level.

Before I met Leo, I was basically alone (not counting the LDR one) for 7 years. I learned to go malling by myself, learned how to watch movies by myself, do the groceries by myself and basically, being myself without being answerable to anyone. I would do anything without consulting anyone (except for friends if their presence were needed). It was a great, albeit, lonely time, but I was my own person.

Seven months ago, Leo and I became, as what Amazing Race terms it, a "dating couple". We would be together every weekend (and sometimes during the week). We would talk everyday and consult each other for plans. We get along with each other's families and was and still is, a sickingly sweet couple. We hear mass together and spend every free time with each other. We would also go jogging/walking together. Everything was perfect.

However, things do not look as good as they seem. I recently realized that I have grown dependent on Leo with regards to my happiness and well-being. I refused to go out with other people if Leo was not with me. As much as possible, I bring him with me wherever I go. I ask special dispensation just for him to be with me for events wherein outsiders are not allowed. I feel angry or sad if he prioritizes other things before me. I finally experienced what jealousy is and old insecurities started to resurface. It may seem sweet to other people for me to feel bereft and sad with the absence of my significant other, but it's not healthy. It's not right.

Through this past seven months, I realized that I made the mistake of revolving my life and plans around this certain person who may not even agree to my plans, or may not even include me in his future plans. I made him one of my top priorities, even sometimes, surpassing my studies, work and even God. I just assumed that I'm also a top priority of his.

Bottom line was, I have loved this person so much that I've forgotten to leave some for myself. It's no secret to him or to the whole world how much I would want to get married. It does not help that people around me are getting married left and right. All my siblings are married (civil rites though) and their church weddings will be this December and January. A person at work will also be getting hitched next year. Whenever friends see me, the first thing they ask me is when will my wedding date be. All these things converged and coagulated into one thought of getting married. Immediately!

However, it is also not a secret to me that Leo's not ready to settle down. I thought I respected that but I was unconsciously pressuring him to pop the question. I'd talk endlessly about weddings, rings, dates, churches etc. hoping I can get him to change his mind. Whenever I would bring the topic up and receive a non-committal reply, I was setting myself up for disappointment. I was pressuring him and myself for something which he (and maybe I) am not ready to get into. It was a hard lesson. One I had to learn by myself.

No, Leo and I are not breaking up (I hope so. But then, he hasn't read this yet). I'm not that stupid to give up something so special and so wonderful. I still love Leo very much. I just have to shift my paradigm and hopefully, make decisions for the betterment of myself and to save our relationship from further harm. Though how understanding and patient Leo is with me, I have to bring myself to change. He can only be understanding and patient up to a certain degree. I cannot expect him to always understand me everytime I go through a jealous fit. I have to reconstruct my plans, my hopes and my dreams or better yet, come up with Plan B.

A wedding and marriage can wait. I received good advice from people that I should not rush this. Though how loud and fast my body clock is ticking (I will be 30 in a year's time), I just have to try my best to ignore it and leave the rest to God. Everything will happen in God's time. Maybe one day, Leo and I will reach that codependence stage and most importantly, maybe one beautiful day in the future, I may get to walk down that elusive aisle.