Getting To Know Me

I have three more days left of my block leave and hopefully am ready enough to return to work on Monday.

During the past two weeks, I spent most of it with friends and loved ones. In doing so, I learned more about myself and what I was going through with regards to my problems at work.

My bestfriend Kay tried to help me figure out objectively what I was feeling. When I think of my work, I get all tensed and stressed. We then dug deeper and tried to figure out what was the source of my stress. It's definitely not the work as I really love what I do; I love the learning experiences that happens everyday. The work is not a problem, it's my boss who I really dread to return to.

Don't get my wrong. My boss is very good at what he does and he's really serious in cleaning up the department. It's just that, it was the first time in my entire life that somebody made me feel that I'm a failure. No, he did not say it directly to my face and I know he did not mean to make me feel that way. When he came in, I was unofficially the OIC of our department and since I was inexperienced and there were too many things to be done, a lot of things fell through the cracks. He kept on asking about things that should've been done but was not done. It made me feel really bad and I felt like a total failure whenever I tell him, "I don't know" or "No, it was not done". To make it short, I took it personally.

I met with my college friend Cessna today, and when I told her of my concerns about my job, she said that I have always been a perfectionist. No wonder I felt the way I felt. My standards of myself are so high that if I fail to meet them, I take it as a failure and failure is something that is hard for me to accept. Though it may not seem that way to some people (and sometimes, even to me), I am an achiever (sometimes, an overachiever). I guess it was something that has been ingrained in me since childhood. My family has kept reiterating how they expect me to succeed and it was something that I really believed in and kept to heart. I guess it what drove me to where I am right now.

My personality demands perfection and am quick to see flaws on things--sadly, even on other people. It was the added pressure of wanting to be perfect so that if I point out a flaw on other people, they can't say the same thing to me. It's a miracle that I did not turn into an evil narcistic bitch. Though it may be a liability, it is what makes me perfect in my current job function.

Going back to my boss, I have subliminally and unconsciously identified him as my source of stress, that the thought of just seeing him again makes me cringe which is somewhat perplexing. My boss can be a tyrant but he is a kind man. He's still a human being and not a monster as my unconscious has portrayed him to be. I have to change my mindset of him and it's something that I really have to work on if I want to be effective and productive at work. I really love what I do and going back to my personal mission, vision and values, this is what I really want to do. As Kay said, I have to let that be my beacon to lead me through the darkness.

So what really drives me? What do I consider as a success?

I am an intellectual person. As long as I am doing something that enables me to learn regularly, I'm a happy camper. Success is also not measured through material wealth or promotions. Success for me is reaching my full potential and being able to use all the talents that God has given me. Success for me is measured by meeting the objectives set AND surpassing them; to see how far I can be stretched; to see how far I can go.

I have different definitions of success in all aspects of my life. As Kay (she is turning to be my personal Yoda. I don't know what I could've done without her guidance and help) said, work is just a facet of my life. To make it as the only facet will somehow lead to my downfall. There are other aspects of my life which I have to pay attention to.

Though how much perfection I demand on myself and others, I just have to accept that I am an imperfect being; that I am human and that I commit mistakes. Sometimes acceptable, sometimes unacceptable mistakes and I have to learn to live with that knowledge. I just have to learn how to forgive myself and move one. Maybe once I have accepted that then maybe I can be more at peace with myself and my own humanity.