I am Loved

I just came from a "retreat" this weekend held at Tagaytay. Up to now, I still don't know how to feel about it. I really did not want to go in the first place because my schedule was very hectic as it is. But out of guilt (which I have a great abundance of) and unwillingness to miss one of the major events at church, I did a lot of schedule shifting and sleep sacrifice just to be able to go.

I got home at 1230 am Saturday morning because I wanted to finish my work that I was supposed to do that Saturday. I spent the next hour or so packing for the trip and trying to sleep (I made the mistake of drinking mocha frap grande at 10 pm. I forgot that it keeps me awake).

I woke up at 5 am because according to the organizers, meeting time was at 6 am. So barely awake, I managed to drag myself off to the bathroom and do my morning rituals. I arrived at the meeting place at exactly 6 am only to learn that the reason we were asked to be there that early was for us to hear mass. I didn't mind that so I climbed to the second floor chapel and heard mass.

We left Villa San Miguel at 8 am, arriving at the retreat venue (Villa Santa Luisita) 2 hours later. Now that is a very beautiful and tranquil place. Their grounds are very expansive. Lots of space for one to roam around and commune with nature.

I won't bore you with the retreat details but I appreciated the theme of the whole retreat: "You are loved". I tried to apply it to my life and what do you know, I could relate with it.

Being in the state of singlehood since college can somehow make me doubt my "lovability". There was a time when I even entertained negative thoughts which brought me on the edge of despair. But I dragged myself off the edge and forced myself to think of and do other things, like taking my MBA for one.

Yes, I am loved. It's not the kind of love that my heart really wants, but I felt more at peace knowing that there are other people out there who really does love me and care for me. Moreover, knowing that God loves me and has blessed me with so many things in my life, removed the doubt that my prayers have been falling on deaf ears.

One of the activities during the retreat was for us to write a Psalm regarding God's role in my life. This is what I came up with:

The Lord is my Healer,
There is no sickness that He cannot heal.
No wound to deep,
No hurt too long,
No pain too harsh.
My heart He cleansed,
My soul He calmed,
My brokenness He made whole.

The Lord has healed me
And because of this, it is
In Him that I will trust
In Him that I will hope
And it is in Him that I will love.

I couldn't sleep during the lengthy break times that our parish priest/retreat facilitator gave us. Either the caffeine was still in my system or the youth that was with us was driving me up the wall with their infinite chatter and noise.

Our last activity for Saturday was done by 11 pm and by then, I was ready to conk out. I forgot that I was sharing the dormitory type room with 15 other teenagers. I have forgotten how it was to be young and have no cares in the world. I guess as we grow older, our priorities and perceptions of life changes. Their priority was to giggle and chat with their friends while my priority was to get some sleep and rest. I held on to my temper and tried not to scold them for giggling and running from room to room. I tried moving to a different room but to no avail. Eventually I fell asleep at 2 am.

Cellphone alarms woke me up at 5 am. By then, a headache decide to take up residence on my frontal lobe. I wanted to bang my head against the Tagaytay-cooled walls but I just prayed for strength and patience. We had our last activity that morning and Father Jun, bless his kind and understanding soul, announced that we will be leaving earlier than scheduled. By then I already decided that I will go straight to Megamall to have a facial and back massage. I was feeling so bad that I needed some pampering to help me feel human again.

I had the bus drop me off the Shaw and Edsa intersection at around 230 pm and I hurried off to Holistic Circle where I spent the next 2 hours getting a facial and back massage. I really needed the massage because my back has been hurting since Saturday morning. The lack of sleep and long travel aggravated the pain.

I appreciated the retreat because it will be the first and last time that our parish priest will be joining us due to the change of leadership of the Archdiocese of Manila. He will be assigned to another place. He also gave me lots of things to think about it. What I could not appreciate were the people I was with. Yes, it gave me the chance to get to know more people, but I could do away with the noise that never seem to end.

Anyway, it's going to be a long and bloody week for me. I spent the day today doing administrative stuff for our department and meeting my groupmates for our group presentation on Wednesday. Why do I feel like I'm the only one working on this case?

I also have a major quiz coming up on Thursday and then I'll be leaving for Baguio on Friday only to be back to work on Monday to attend a seminar.