Hey, Jealousy!

Tomorrow we can drive around this town And let the cops chase us around The past is gone but something might be found To take its place...hey jealousy --Gin Blossoms

Jealousy is a foreign emotion to me. For me, jealousy is a sign of insecurity. I have never felt insecure over my past relationships because I truly believed that my past boyfriends loved me (which may be true). One even broke up with me because he said that I was not jealous enough (doh!).

The point that I am feeling it right now bothers the hell out of me. I do not want to go into details of the who's and the how's and the when's. I'm still trying to sort everything out into my mind.

Logic tells me that I have no reason to be jealous and that I am very much loved, but I can't help but feel uncomfortable. A friend suggested that I go and quietly ask him point blank, which I will indeed do this weekend. Nevertheless, planning the talk still won't pacify me. The thought is nagging and chewing slowly a ragged path down the center of my heart.

My boyfriend is the sweetest guy on earth--for me. It bothers me that other people (especially girls) see him the same way. Am I being selfish? Am I being paranoid? Am I being possessive? Am I such a bad person? How come I suddenly feel like I'm not special anymore? I'm out in the fringe here and grasping straws as I go.

This emotion is so foreign to me that I don't know how to deal with it. Is this a good sign? I'm lifting this all up to God. He'll help me deal with this. He'll keep my thoughts pure and help me not to be judgmental. He'll help me listen with an open heart and an open mind.